Day three:  Genesis 2:15-17 and 3:1-13 tells of Satan’s offer to Eve.  It was a good offer to her, I believe, because she saw wisdom as a good thing.  She probably wanted to know what God knew so she could be closer to him.  This was a good thing in her eyes.  I doubt she sat and thought about  just what wisdom she would gain but saw a chance to learn from God.  This is very appealing – exactly what Satan was going for.  My primary sources of input in my life are: spouse, music, co-workers, books, tv, friends, family.  I believe I am careful in some areas about evaluating the input and seeking to discern Truth from error and not so careful in other areas.  I do tend to run most information through God in prayer but I don’t run my actions and habits through prayer.  I have friends I love dearly that I will swirl downward into gossip without a moment’s hesitation.  I don’t even realize what’s happening until the conversation is finished.  I guard my ears by only listening to Christian music.  But, error can creep in from many sources and I don’t always recognize it.  A time when I made a wrong choice without stopping to consider the cost and the consequences: there have been so many.  LOL  A major one happened when we first moved to Iowa.  I was a sahm with a 6 mth old son and my husband worked all day managing a restaurant.  He provided for us and we had everything we needed.  However, I was bored.  I had no friends and I was in a new city.  My son was getting older and more interested in playing with toys.  So, what would a new mom do?  Why, get him toys of course.  Lots and lots and lots of them.  Toys he played with once or twice.  Decorate the room he didn’t use.  Take him shopping just to get out of the house and buy just because it seemed like I could possibly use this in the future.  I went nuts.  The next thing I knew, we were $20,000 in debt with no way of getting out.  We wanted to buy a house.  Not a chance.  It felt too good to come home with bags filled with stuff.  If something broke slightly, replace it.  If something didn’t fit exactly right, get a new one.  If it just was really pretty, I deserve this.  I love getting gifts and this was my way of passing the time and making the move easier for me.  I’d often hide things from my husband only to tell him about them weeks later.  “Oh, I’ve had this for awhile.”  I knew I shouldn’t spend like that but no one told me to stop it.  Satan told me over and over how good I would feel if I just bought that one thing.  My son would play for hours on end and I could get projects completed if I just got this bouncy thing.  My son’s IQ would rise if I would just get him his own computer.  Oh, and it hooks up to the tv so of course you need a bigger one of those.  It never ended and I listened to every word.  I believed that my son was too small to realize what was happening.  I believed that my husband wouldn’t be affected if I just didn’t tell him.  I paid the bills so what was the big deal.  What I needed to do was confess to my husband what I was doing and why.  He needed to hear that I was struggling and needed his help.  I didn’t want to bother him but I had no one else to turn to so continued that path.  I needed to remember that God will provide what I need and I needed to learn contentment.  Even now, I hear Satan and others telling me I need a new house.  “The one you have is good for now but you’ll need one as the children grow.  The rooms will need to get bigger and there will be the vehicles to think about.  You should do this now rather than wait.”  I have to constantly remind myself that when/if it’s time to get a new house, God will provide a way to sell this one.  I need to wait for His timing not mine.  Currently, I hear deceit in the area of homeschooling.  I have people telling me that my children “need more math” or “can’t read.”  I know this is so beyond not true it’s laughable.  But, it hurts me.  These statements tell me that I’m not doing it “right” and that i’m not capable of knowing if there’s a problem with my child.  They demean my self confidence and make me doubt the path God has laid for my family.  These come from Satan and not from God.  I know God wants us to homeschool our children.  We have been in constant prayer about this path since our children were born and there is no doubt this is where they belong.  I know these kids.  They are smart, creative, capable, independent, loving, cooperative (most of the time), thoughtful, imaginative children that usually act more like short adults than other kids their age.  These people don’t know my kids.  They see them MAYBE once a year.  How in the world do they know they need more math?  They take apart computers and reprogram them with several operating systems.  How in the world do they know they need reading help?  They are currently reading several chapter books at once and love to tell the rest of the family what’s happening in the story.  They write their own stories and illustrate them all day if we didn’t have other things to accomplish.  They are great people.  These are children of God and they deserve the respect of others – adult or child.  I need to remember that and know in my heart that these people mean well and truly want the best for my kids.  Their best and my kids’ best are obviously not the same thing.  I will stick with God’s best for them – no matter the comments that hurt.

Day two:  John 8:44 tells me Satan is a liar.  He lies to deceive and we naturally do the same.  Evil comes naturally to him because his father is the devil.  Satan doesn’t want to know the truth and he doesn’t want others to know either.  He has been evil since day one and he will remain that way.  2Corinthians 4:4 tells me Satan has blinded those who don’t believe in God.  He has taken them from the truth and feeds them lies so they will not see the light that God shines for us.  Satan’s followers can’t understand Christians because he stands in their way.  2Corinthians 11:14 tells me that no form can escape Satan.  He can take the form of the most beautiful creature in the world to do his task of deceit.  There’s nothing that can defy him except God.  Ephesians 6:11-12 tells me that we need the full armor of God to defeat Satan.  He is evil and is not made of flesh and bone.  We are dealing with powers of darkness that will do whatever they need to get to their prey.  It requires all of God’s armor to defend ourselves against him.  1Peter 5:8 tells me to watch out.  Satan is always on the lookout for food and he wants to take us.  Hedoesn’t ever stop coming to attack.  Satan’s lies appear good and attractive because he needs to lure us in.  We wouldn’t follow if someone told us to come eat dirt and worms but wouldn’t hesitate if that same person said we were eating lucious pudding and decedent truffles.  The bait has to be sweet and something we want or we will turn away in disgust.  He’s not stupid.  He knows exactly what he’s doing to lure us in.  Our culture is riddled with lies and deceit from Satan.  Where o where do I begin.  Politicians.  They tell us half truths to get into office – just enough to make us believe they will work for our cause.  Once they get elected, they make their own laws and pass their own agendas – regardless of what was said before.  There’s always an excuse to make it not their fault.  Pharmaceuticals.  I know your life is bleak and gray and doesn’t seem worth living.  If you’d just take this drug it will all go away.  The blue skies will come back.  Your children will love you and not fight.  You will be able to go outside and climb mountains and go in a hot air balloon because you aren’t sick anymore.  It wasn’t your fault – you needed this drug.  The body was created with pain for a purpose.  It’s a signal to tell you something’s wrong.  When you take that drug and dull the pain, you are taking away your body’s right to tell you something’s wrong.  You’re ignoring that warning sign in your car that says to check engine.  Cover it with your finger and it will be ok – until you’re on a road trip in the middle of nowhere and you hear a sputter and the engine no longer works.  Drugs are a very slippery slope.  Public programs.  I believe they mean well.  They mean to help people back on their feet.  When they’re used for that purpose, I don’t have a problem with them.  However, I do have a problem with families that have been living on the public programs for 2-3 generations and believe the government owes them because they just aren’t able to get off the couch and get a job.  I believe these programs are lying to these people and helping them stay right where they are.  They don’t force them to learn a skill or really work to find a job.  They give them money and food stamps every month and say, well, as long as you’re still at this level then we’ll keep giving it to you.  Why would they go find a job?  They’d lose out on all that free money.  The devil takes many shapes in our culture.  These are just a few and I could go all night but I have more questions to answer.  I believe truth and deception are realized with time and prayer.  When something seems like life will be wonderful if you’d only have XXX, that’s a sign you need to step away, talk to your spouse, and pray.  Life isn’t easy with anything.  Only praying and talking with people you trust can you hear God’s word speaking to you.  Good things keep me away from consistent study all the time.  My daily tasks: managing the house, managing the office, managing the children, running errands, exercise, cooking, cleaning, and everything else keeps my mind occupied.  In any spare moments, I find myself wondering what the staff is doing and if they’re doing all they can to reach goals – do they want to reach goals – what will the numbers today be – what were they yesterday – what should I cover at staff meeting – etc.  I worry about the kids – will they ever really like each other – how will they learn cleanliness with rooms looking like that – I need to make them do what I want them to do – etc.  I do chores at home – cooking – laundry – cleaning – fixing – sewing  – computer work – etc.  My mind doesn’t rest and when it doesn’t rest I can’t focus on God.  I can’t focus on His voice for me.  These are all worthwhile things to take care of so the house and everyone functions well.  But, it takes away from my time with God.  I will raise my awareness of the enemy and embrace the truth by making time to be in study.  I will check my day and prepare for those times when I can sit and read the Bible.  I can engaged my children in Bible games or stories.  I can recognize that people come before tasks.  The dishes will still be there but my children need to learn forgiveness right now.  It takes willpower but I can do it with His help.

These are my answers for questions in this study.  They’re personal so feel free to read or not as you wish.

I am not living the abundent life Jesus came to give.  I survive day to day and try to make sure everything gets done.  I rarely take time to do my own thing (I don’t count exercise as my thing because it’s not a creative outlet) and fill my time doing things others want me to do.  The majority of the time I simply exist.  I start my day with “what needs to be done today” and end it with “that should have been done and wasn’t, this could have been done better, that was pointless to do” and it just goes on.  I rarely see the joy in what I do everyday.  Instead, I feel resentful of doing the same thing each week and don’t know how to break out of the rut.  This is not what Jesus created my path to be.  My current season of life words: frazzled, burned-out, overwhelmed, defeated, depressed, angry, discouraged, insecure, lonely, exhausted, emotionally unstable, unmotivated, directionless.  Words that I want to describe my life: peaceful, free, gracious, stable, confident, radiant, loving, sexual, healthy, balanced.  John 8:31-36.  Free doesn’t mean doing whatever you want.  Everyone needs boundaries or temptation abounds.  Free means few worries.  You don’t have to worry about being alone – God is with you.  You don’t have to worry about the future – God will provide.  You don’t have to feel unloved – God loves unconditionally.  This is what Jesus means with wanting his people to be free.  Galations 5:1 and John 14:6.  Jesus set us free with his death on the cross.  He made our sins forgiven with God.  Placing your faith and trust in God by reading his words and following his commands to you sets you free.  Going to Him with your worries and asking for help sets you free.  I don’t think there’s any area I’ve given up hope of being free of bondage in my life.  I’ve always held that things will be better in the future.  The trouble is that the future never becomes the present.  So, I never loose hope but I also never really become free from bondage.  My schedule is my greatest bondage.  My months are planned several months in advance and there are so many things pulling for my time.  It’s not unusual to have 3-4 things in the same weekend and do it all.  I don’t slow down because I fear that if I gave things up I would be disappointing others or things wouldn’t get done.  I feel I have to be in control of everything all the time or things just won’t work.  I hate it.  I hate being in charge and having everything rest on my shoulders.  My husband does a tremendous job at work and I appreciate him beyond words.  But, the majority of work and home rest on my shoulders.   He’ll help when I ask him to but I feel it’s a bother so I don’t ask.  I just do it and feel resentful.  I want this study to help me focus more on the joy in life.  I want to be able to see my daily tasks around the house and running children everywhere as a service to God’s children and not the tasks of a maid.  I want to feel ok with setting some activity aside because I need time alone.  (I got that this weekend and it was WONDERFUL!!)  I want to remember that I matter too and I deserve that play time like I give the children.  I deserve time to have creative outlets that give me a sense of accomplishment.  I want to end the day proud of what I did that day and know that I made a difference in my life because I saw the beauty of my path.  I want to live the life God planned for me to live.

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!

Update:  I broke my collarbone and separated my shoulder just afterThanksgiving.  I’m left handed now so typing goes very slow.  Hence the no entries.  SO SORRY!!  Things are healing nicely just slow.  I will get back to posting soon and boy do I have  a lot to write about!!!

I need a pause button.  My life never stops and I need time to catch up.  Know where I can get one????  We had a nice Thanksgiving.  Some friends and their kids came over and stayed for a few days.  I love having these guys come over because they’re the type of friends that you can get all crazy around and they love ya anyway.  I have other friends but I can’t let my hair down with them.  My favorites are the ones that say “WOW!  That’s…….WOW!” and still love ya.  There’s no judging or anything just friends being crazy.  It’s the best.

Ok, we had a nice holiday.  They headed home and we decided to turn our oldest’sold room into an exercise room.   We were bringing the weight bench in from the garage and guess who forgot that the thing moves?????  Yep, me.  I set it on the floor and down it came onto my right shoulder.  Separated shoulder and broken collarbone.  I’ve been in a sling since 11.29 and have about another 3 weeks.  I have VERY little rang of motion in my right arm and very little strength.  I can touch the skin on that should now which tells me it is healing – just slowly.  Oh, did I mention that I’m right handed?  Yeah – sucks.

We leave tonight for Disney!!!  (broken wing and all!!)  This time tomorrow we will be somewhere between here and Florida.  I’m a bit nervous about the trip.  I want my kids to behave and get along but I also know that won’t happen continuously for the next couple weeks.  I’m just hoping for the best.  I have all the gifts wrapped, mail holded, food packed, clothes washed and mostly folded, and suitcases in the house to pack.  (akdoc takes such good care of me!!)  Now, all I have to do is pack everything.  These silly people think they need to bring clothes or something – weird.  Peanut is so excited to see Mickey Mouse.  Every time we leave the house he asks if we’re going to see Mickey Mouse.  LOL  Forget Christmas or cousins or other family – it’s Mickey Mouse this boy wants!  Oh!!  We got a message today that spots have opened up for us to do the White House tour while in DC!!  I’m so excited!!!!!  We could have had our own group if I just had 4 more kids.  Must work on that!  HEHEHEHEHE  So, that’s what we’re up to.  Dance tonight then off to Florida.  My honey will be MINE until January 5th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh – side note – Princess got her first pair of real pointe shoes this week!!  They are Russian shoes and the smallest they come.  It’s hard to believe that she’s dancing on pointe and it scares me a little.  I don’t want her feet messed up but there is no sign of that.  In fact, her feet are way stronger than before so it looks like a good thing.  She couldn’t wear her prepointe shoes anymore because her feet were too strong for them.  She was going to far over and dancing that way.  Her instructor told her to take them off and NOT put them back on!!  LOL  I love this new studio.  She has come so far in the year and a half she’s been there.  Just amazing.

I’ve been a busy little bee lately.  I’ve completed the majority of the Christmas gifts.  The kids really like the latest two I finished today.  I’ve been busy at work with lots of projects that have been put off for far too long calling to me.  They’re not completed but the work is farther than it had been – progress!!  I’ve been in a scrapping mode today and have done many pages in our family album.  I had a stack of pictures on my desk getting in the way and making me feel guilty.  No more!!!  They are on pages in a book and I like them.  I always have such a sense of accomplishment when I get some pages done.  I love doing my art work but it’s always done so fast and the scrapping takes longer.  Maybe I need to do more intricate drawings?  I don’t know.  Plans are underway for Christmas.  The trip isn’t going to go as originally thought but it will still be a good one.  We’ve had a few close calls for the kids finding out but so far so good!  We will tell them in just a couple days at Thanksgiving.  Speaking of Tgiving, we have some friends coming down from Wisconsin to stay for a few days.  I really like hanging out with these guys because they are just relaxed people.  I don’t have to worry about the house or myself looking perfect cause they like me anyway.  LOL  They’re just nice people like that.  We haven’t made it up their way and I feel bad about that but my life right now just doesn’t allow it.  One day!  I’ve been doing some journaling for my own scrap book.  I’ve taken several pictures and just wrote about them.  It seems like the words just flow out once I get started.  It’s such a relief to get my thoughts out.  I’m really looking forward to starting that book – after the New Year!  Children call – LOUDLY!!  More to come soon.

It seems that I didn’t have enough projects to do.  The making of – so far – 10 Christmas gifts with many more to go wasn’t enough (after finishing the Halloween costumes).  The moutain of kid clothes needing to be sorted and packed away wasn’t enough.  The pile of work stuff needing attention wasn’t enough.  The clothes on the sewing desk awaiting mending wasn’t enough.  The scrapbook waiting for the stack of pictures sitting next to it wasn’t enough.  The four children running around wasn’t enough.  No, I needed more to do.  So, I read Real. Life. Scrapbooking.  It’s a gem of a book!!!!  I don’t normally read books on scrapbooking because I see these incredible layouts and I feel worthless because I don’t make my pages look like that.  I take the less is more and use whatever you happen to have on hand approach.  It’s made for a few interesting pages.  However, this book talked less about those perfect pages and more about the content of your pages.  The author had a ton of ideas from normal living to put in pages.  Who woulda thunk?!  She journals more than I ever have done but reading through them really inspired me to journal more.  I’ve been putting only the details of the event in the pictures.  I haven’t done what I was thinking or silly comments others said.  I wasn’t putting much of myself in these pages because I felt they were just for recording what we did.  I didn’t look at this hobby as something that I needed to really get creative about and have it represent me.  I scraplifted some of her ideas and I’ve started journaling.  I picked out some pictures that haven’t been used and probably wouldn’t be used because they just didn’t fit into a layout.  I opened my thought book and wrote.  I’m really looking forward to turning these into pages that aren’t part of a layout but that represent who I am as a person.  I’m not sure if I’m make a book of just me or if I’ll use these as fillers in our family albums.  Not sure yet.  But, they will be pages for myself – good or bad, happy or sad, proud or upseting moments.  They may have the kids, akdoc, my parents, my friends, or even myself.  I hope they will give my family and friends a glimpse into how I am and let the future generations know the WHOLE me.  Just thinking about doing this makes me feel happy.  I feel like I have something that I can say what I want and just make it me – separate from anyone else.  It’s a nice feeling!

A friend asked about things that make you happy.  She loves the book 14,000 Things to be Happy About.  Here’s my partial list (but this just begs to be a scrapbook album all about me):

-Holding a brand new baby and snuggling in to smell that sweet smell
-Seeing Paul holding a brand new baby cradled in his arms (never seen anything so sexy)
-Spending the day with nothing to do but hang out with the love of my life
-Sitting in church at midnight welcoming in Christmas with no lights but the glow of candles and silent night being sung (I cry every time just thinking about it)
-Watching/feeling my newborn baby nuzzling at my breast getting their nourishment from mom only
-Gently running my hands over a very round pregnant belly knowing there’s life growing in there
-Drawing something I didn’t think was even in my head and actually liking it
-Finding a new book that really makes me stop and think about myself and my life
-Smelling bread baking and watching the kids come running when they hear the oven because they know the bread is done (you can’t eat it right this second – it needs to cool down just a bit first)
-Making a great Christmas gift and seeing the person smile and really get into it (even something as small as a pair of jammie pants)
-Having a clean floor
-Having my family take one day a week to help me around the house without me having to ask them to do it
-Watching Paul’s stomach suck in beyond possibility when he’s attempting to get into a cold swimming pool
-Curled up in front of a fire with hot chocolate, my lover, and soft music playing
-Watching snow fall on Christmas Eve/Day while the kids open gifts and my coffee cake bakes in the oven
-Reading the Christmas story from the Bible and watching the kids wiggle in their seats because they want to get to the gift opening
-Pulling turkey out of the oven knowing there is enough food to feed an army
-Sending that last car payment and knowing that car is now YOURS
-Having a plan made with hubby on how to pay all your bills and still save for that awesome thing you both really want
-Flipping through my scrapbook pages and reliving those awesome memories of good times
-The floor of the living room on Christmas morning after all the gifts have been opened and there are boxes and wrapping paper EVERYWHERE
-Looking at a gazillion Christmas lights on houses and putting them up on my house

Children can really freak their parents out!  I’d really prefer for them NOT to do this!!  Peanut has elbow issues.  He dislocates his elbow – has done it several times on the left.  Last night, he did it on the right.  Ok, no big deal – daddy just puts it back in.  This time it felt possibly broken to daddy.  I’m still not exactly sure what happened.  We can’t pull him up by his hands or arms or this is likely to happen.  Ok.  Well, his dance teacher helped him jump over a shark in class and I saw her lift him by his hands.  I didn’t think anything at the time but he wasn’t using that arm like normal – now that I look back.  Over the next couple hours, he just kept crying harder and harder until daddy checked it.  Off to urgent care we went.  He settled down on the way which was a bit odd but I watched him closely and held his hand and talked to him.  Daddy filled out paperwork while our oldest and I tried to play with Peanut to see if we could get him to move his arm.  Eventually, he went after the finger skateboard and started using it like normal.  We waited and watched for about 15 minutes to see what he would do.  Fine.  He climbed around and used it like normal so we went to eat then home.  Apparently, he popped it back into place on his own without us realizing.  I’ve had to take a child to the ER one time and that turned into a few days hospital visit.  I was fearing the same this time.  I’m fine with my kids taking risks and they are all very good at recognizing their body limits and stopping before they get hurt.  I want them to test themselves so they learn their limits and know when to stop.  This scared me.  I was just imagining his arm is a big cast and I didn’t like that so much.  This is the side of parenting I don’t much care for.  (There was also some of the money factor.  We don’t have health insurance so we pay for everything out of pocket.  Normally, it’s not a problem and we do it willingly.  But, this would have been an expensive trip that isn’t worked inot my budget at this time.  I’m thinking we’ll be a bit more careful with his arms in the future!!!!!)

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You’re often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is – not for how it should be

So, I was reading a friend’s blog and took a quiz.  This was the answer for who I am.  I think it fits me to a tee.  This is exactly who I am which is why I’m having so much trouble with things right now.  I don’t feel like these aspects are allowed to come out.  I have so many expectations on me and so little time to spend doing the things I love doing that I feel like these wonderful sides of me are drowning.  They’re being lost to a rushing river flowing into the deep ocean.  The odd thing – I don’t like the sunrise time of day.  It’s beautiful and all but I’m more apt to stay up at night.  Strange.