I know you’ve all been waiting with baited breath.  Here it is – my life.

We did another xray on the arm today.  It’s been 12 weeks and is healed.  SWEET!!!!!  There is one small spot that’s not totally done but the new bone should be fine to protect that small part.  So, now we’re on to rehab for the shoulder.  Akdoc has been dying to get his hands on this shoulder.  He did some work after the xray today.  I think I cussed in several languages.  He decided he’ll need to bring me in at night so the other patients don’t hear me yelling at him.  heheh  Yes, I’m his worst patient – too head strong.  Anywho, it’s very sore tonight but not horribly bad.  We have 12 weeks of scar tissue to break apart.  That’s not going to be much fun for me.  He so hates to see me hurting that he wanted to send me out to have this done.  I told him no, that I trust him to do the best job on me.  (Truth is: I don’t really trust many other doctors out there.)  So, on we go.  Still not a lot of range of motion and little strength but that will come in time.

Children  **BIG SIGH**  Can anyoen say cabin fever????  They all want to be out of the house so badly.  We need our park day visit with friends so badly again.  They need to run in the air and wiggle their bodies so they stop bugging each other so much!!  Winter is by far my hardest time of the year simply because my wiggle worms can’t go wiggle as much.  Not to mention the whole arm thing this year (although, I did only have to shovel once and the neighbor guy yelled at me for doing it one handed.)  really but this winter in a weird place.

We’ve been doing so much traveling already and it’s only February.  Work has called every weekend in February and March and April are mostly booked (May too but with kid stuff mostly).  Things just never seem to stop.  I’m longing for the summer days when we don’t have anything we HAVE to do (well, other than camps or dance class) and can go to the pool or library or park at a moments notice.  I want to put peanut in the stroller and go running again.  I just want to be outside and home.  I want to tackle some of the projects around the house I just have put off because…..well, no reason.  I just didn’t feel like doing them.  I am trying to schedule myself for 2 scrapbook times each month.  Sometimes they’ll fall in the same weekend but whatever.  I love my drawing time but that just goes so fast.  I get that picture on the paper and it’s done but my brain isn’t.  I’ll go through several sheets and still not feel done.  The scrapbooking takes a bit longer and engages my brain more.  I also feel more accomplished by having the family books done.  I’m going to start a book that’s all about me and I’m really looking forward to that project.  At first I felt like I wouldn’t be able to fill it but OMG, yeah, no worries. 

Work has been just insane lately.  There are some issues with staff that need to be handled and quick.  Some people are just bugging others.  I think that overall everyone’s more irritable right now.  We’re all working on projects of our own and trying to do the best we can.  Taking the holidays off really threw my financial stuff off kilter.  I don’t have my normal buffer that I like to keep.  It’s all fine and will work itself out but it bothers me right now.  Oh, well.  We’ll get all the kinks out soon and things will sky rocket, I have no doubt!!

Day three:  Genesis 2:15-17 and 3:1-13 tells of Satan’s offer to Eve.  It was a good offer to her, I believe, because she saw wisdom as a good thing.  She probably wanted to know what God knew so she could be closer to him.  This was a good thing in her eyes.  I doubt she sat and thought about  just what wisdom she would gain but saw a chance to learn from God.  This is very appealing – exactly what Satan was going for.  My primary sources of input in my life are: spouse, music, co-workers, books, tv, friends, family.  I believe I am careful in some areas about evaluating the input and seeking to discern Truth from error and not so careful in other areas.  I do tend to run most information through God in prayer but I don’t run my actions and habits through prayer.  I have friends I love dearly that I will swirl downward into gossip without a moment’s hesitation.  I don’t even realize what’s happening until the conversation is finished.  I guard my ears by only listening to Christian music.  But, error can creep in from many sources and I don’t always recognize it.  A time when I made a wrong choice without stopping to consider the cost and the consequences: there have been so many.  LOL  A major one happened when we first moved to Iowa.  I was a sahm with a 6 mth old son and my husband worked all day managing a restaurant.  He provided for us and we had everything we needed.  However, I was bored.  I had no friends and I was in a new city.  My son was getting older and more interested in playing with toys.  So, what would a new mom do?  Why, get him toys of course.  Lots and lots and lots of them.  Toys he played with once or twice.  Decorate the room he didn’t use.  Take him shopping just to get out of the house and buy just because it seemed like I could possibly use this in the future.  I went nuts.  The next thing I knew, we were $20,000 in debt with no way of getting out.  We wanted to buy a house.  Not a chance.  It felt too good to come home with bags filled with stuff.  If something broke slightly, replace it.  If something didn’t fit exactly right, get a new one.  If it just was really pretty, I deserve this.  I love getting gifts and this was my way of passing the time and making the move easier for me.  I’d often hide things from my husband only to tell him about them weeks later.  “Oh, I’ve had this for awhile.”  I knew I shouldn’t spend like that but no one told me to stop it.  Satan told me over and over how good I would feel if I just bought that one thing.  My son would play for hours on end and I could get projects completed if I just got this bouncy thing.  My son’s IQ would rise if I would just get him his own computer.  Oh, and it hooks up to the tv so of course you need a bigger one of those.  It never ended and I listened to every word.  I believed that my son was too small to realize what was happening.  I believed that my husband wouldn’t be affected if I just didn’t tell him.  I paid the bills so what was the big deal.  What I needed to do was confess to my husband what I was doing and why.  He needed to hear that I was struggling and needed his help.  I didn’t want to bother him but I had no one else to turn to so continued that path.  I needed to remember that God will provide what I need and I needed to learn contentment.  Even now, I hear Satan and others telling me I need a new house.  “The one you have is good for now but you’ll need one as the children grow.  The rooms will need to get bigger and there will be the vehicles to think about.  You should do this now rather than wait.”  I have to constantly remind myself that when/if it’s time to get a new house, God will provide a way to sell this one.  I need to wait for His timing not mine.  Currently, I hear deceit in the area of homeschooling.  I have people telling me that my children “need more math” or “can’t read.”  I know this is so beyond not true it’s laughable.  But, it hurts me.  These statements tell me that I’m not doing it “right” and that i’m not capable of knowing if there’s a problem with my child.  They demean my self confidence and make me doubt the path God has laid for my family.  These come from Satan and not from God.  I know God wants us to homeschool our children.  We have been in constant prayer about this path since our children were born and there is no doubt this is where they belong.  I know these kids.  They are smart, creative, capable, independent, loving, cooperative (most of the time), thoughtful, imaginative children that usually act more like short adults than other kids their age.  These people don’t know my kids.  They see them MAYBE once a year.  How in the world do they know they need more math?  They take apart computers and reprogram them with several operating systems.  How in the world do they know they need reading help?  They are currently reading several chapter books at once and love to tell the rest of the family what’s happening in the story.  They write their own stories and illustrate them all day if we didn’t have other things to accomplish.  They are great people.  These are children of God and they deserve the respect of others – adult or child.  I need to remember that and know in my heart that these people mean well and truly want the best for my kids.  Their best and my kids’ best are obviously not the same thing.  I will stick with God’s best for them – no matter the comments that hurt.

Day two:  John 8:44 tells me Satan is a liar.  He lies to deceive and we naturally do the same.  Evil comes naturally to him because his father is the devil.  Satan doesn’t want to know the truth and he doesn’t want others to know either.  He has been evil since day one and he will remain that way.  2Corinthians 4:4 tells me Satan has blinded those who don’t believe in God.  He has taken them from the truth and feeds them lies so they will not see the light that God shines for us.  Satan’s followers can’t understand Christians because he stands in their way.  2Corinthians 11:14 tells me that no form can escape Satan.  He can take the form of the most beautiful creature in the world to do his task of deceit.  There’s nothing that can defy him except God.  Ephesians 6:11-12 tells me that we need the full armor of God to defeat Satan.  He is evil and is not made of flesh and bone.  We are dealing with powers of darkness that will do whatever they need to get to their prey.  It requires all of God’s armor to defend ourselves against him.  1Peter 5:8 tells me to watch out.  Satan is always on the lookout for food and he wants to take us.  Hedoesn’t ever stop coming to attack.  Satan’s lies appear good and attractive because he needs to lure us in.  We wouldn’t follow if someone told us to come eat dirt and worms but wouldn’t hesitate if that same person said we were eating lucious pudding and decedent truffles.  The bait has to be sweet and something we want or we will turn away in disgust.  He’s not stupid.  He knows exactly what he’s doing to lure us in.  Our culture is riddled with lies and deceit from Satan.  Where o where do I begin.  Politicians.  They tell us half truths to get into office – just enough to make us believe they will work for our cause.  Once they get elected, they make their own laws and pass their own agendas – regardless of what was said before.  There’s always an excuse to make it not their fault.  Pharmaceuticals.  I know your life is bleak and gray and doesn’t seem worth living.  If you’d just take this drug it will all go away.  The blue skies will come back.  Your children will love you and not fight.  You will be able to go outside and climb mountains and go in a hot air balloon because you aren’t sick anymore.  It wasn’t your fault – you needed this drug.  The body was created with pain for a purpose.  It’s a signal to tell you something’s wrong.  When you take that drug and dull the pain, you are taking away your body’s right to tell you something’s wrong.  You’re ignoring that warning sign in your car that says to check engine.  Cover it with your finger and it will be ok – until you’re on a road trip in the middle of nowhere and you hear a sputter and the engine no longer works.  Drugs are a very slippery slope.  Public programs.  I believe they mean well.  They mean to help people back on their feet.  When they’re used for that purpose, I don’t have a problem with them.  However, I do have a problem with families that have been living on the public programs for 2-3 generations and believe the government owes them because they just aren’t able to get off the couch and get a job.  I believe these programs are lying to these people and helping them stay right where they are.  They don’t force them to learn a skill or really work to find a job.  They give them money and food stamps every month and say, well, as long as you’re still at this level then we’ll keep giving it to you.  Why would they go find a job?  They’d lose out on all that free money.  The devil takes many shapes in our culture.  These are just a few and I could go all night but I have more questions to answer.  I believe truth and deception are realized with time and prayer.  When something seems like life will be wonderful if you’d only have XXX, that’s a sign you need to step away, talk to your spouse, and pray.  Life isn’t easy with anything.  Only praying and talking with people you trust can you hear God’s word speaking to you.  Good things keep me away from consistent study all the time.  My daily tasks: managing the house, managing the office, managing the children, running errands, exercise, cooking, cleaning, and everything else keeps my mind occupied.  In any spare moments, I find myself wondering what the staff is doing and if they’re doing all they can to reach goals – do they want to reach goals – what will the numbers today be – what were they yesterday – what should I cover at staff meeting – etc.  I worry about the kids – will they ever really like each other – how will they learn cleanliness with rooms looking like that – I need to make them do what I want them to do – etc.  I do chores at home – cooking – laundry – cleaning – fixing – sewing  – computer work – etc.  My mind doesn’t rest and when it doesn’t rest I can’t focus on God.  I can’t focus on His voice for me.  These are all worthwhile things to take care of so the house and everyone functions well.  But, it takes away from my time with God.  I will raise my awareness of the enemy and embrace the truth by making time to be in study.  I will check my day and prepare for those times when I can sit and read the Bible.  I can engaged my children in Bible games or stories.  I can recognize that people come before tasks.  The dishes will still be there but my children need to learn forgiveness right now.  It takes willpower but I can do it with His help.

These are my answers for questions in this study.  They’re personal so feel free to read or not as you wish.

I am not living the abundent life Jesus came to give.  I survive day to day and try to make sure everything gets done.  I rarely take time to do my own thing (I don’t count exercise as my thing because it’s not a creative outlet) and fill my time doing things others want me to do.  The majority of the time I simply exist.  I start my day with “what needs to be done today” and end it with “that should have been done and wasn’t, this could have been done better, that was pointless to do” and it just goes on.  I rarely see the joy in what I do everyday.  Instead, I feel resentful of doing the same thing each week and don’t know how to break out of the rut.  This is not what Jesus created my path to be.  My current season of life words: frazzled, burned-out, overwhelmed, defeated, depressed, angry, discouraged, insecure, lonely, exhausted, emotionally unstable, unmotivated, directionless.  Words that I want to describe my life: peaceful, free, gracious, stable, confident, radiant, loving, sexual, healthy, balanced.  John 8:31-36.  Free doesn’t mean doing whatever you want.  Everyone needs boundaries or temptation abounds.  Free means few worries.  You don’t have to worry about being alone – God is with you.  You don’t have to worry about the future – God will provide.  You don’t have to feel unloved – God loves unconditionally.  This is what Jesus means with wanting his people to be free.  Galations 5:1 and John 14:6.  Jesus set us free with his death on the cross.  He made our sins forgiven with God.  Placing your faith and trust in God by reading his words and following his commands to you sets you free.  Going to Him with your worries and asking for help sets you free.  I don’t think there’s any area I’ve given up hope of being free of bondage in my life.  I’ve always held that things will be better in the future.  The trouble is that the future never becomes the present.  So, I never loose hope but I also never really become free from bondage.  My schedule is my greatest bondage.  My months are planned several months in advance and there are so many things pulling for my time.  It’s not unusual to have 3-4 things in the same weekend and do it all.  I don’t slow down because I fear that if I gave things up I would be disappointing others or things wouldn’t get done.  I feel I have to be in control of everything all the time or things just won’t work.  I hate it.  I hate being in charge and having everything rest on my shoulders.  My husband does a tremendous job at work and I appreciate him beyond words.  But, the majority of work and home rest on my shoulders.   He’ll help when I ask him to but I feel it’s a bother so I don’t ask.  I just do it and feel resentful.  I want this study to help me focus more on the joy in life.  I want to be able to see my daily tasks around the house and running children everywhere as a service to God’s children and not the tasks of a maid.  I want to feel ok with setting some activity aside because I need time alone.  (I got that this weekend and it was WONDERFUL!!)  I want to remember that I matter too and I deserve that play time like I give the children.  I deserve time to have creative outlets that give me a sense of accomplishment.  I want to end the day proud of what I did that day and know that I made a difference in my life because I saw the beauty of my path.  I want to live the life God planned for me to live.