A friend asked about things that make you happy.  She loves the book 14,000 Things to be Happy About.  Here’s my partial list (but this just begs to be a scrapbook album all about me):

-Holding a brand new baby and snuggling in to smell that sweet smell
-Seeing Paul holding a brand new baby cradled in his arms (never seen anything so sexy)
-Spending the day with nothing to do but hang out with the love of my life
-Sitting in church at midnight welcoming in Christmas with no lights but the glow of candles and silent night being sung (I cry every time just thinking about it)
-Watching/feeling my newborn baby nuzzling at my breast getting their nourishment from mom only
-Gently running my hands over a very round pregnant belly knowing there’s life growing in there
-Drawing something I didn’t think was even in my head and actually liking it
-Finding a new book that really makes me stop and think about myself and my life
-Smelling bread baking and watching the kids come running when they hear the oven because they know the bread is done (you can’t eat it right this second – it needs to cool down just a bit first)
-Making a great Christmas gift and seeing the person smile and really get into it (even something as small as a pair of jammie pants)
-Having a clean floor
-Having my family take one day a week to help me around the house without me having to ask them to do it
-Watching Paul’s stomach suck in beyond possibility when he’s attempting to get into a cold swimming pool
-Curled up in front of a fire with hot chocolate, my lover, and soft music playing
-Watching snow fall on Christmas Eve/Day while the kids open gifts and my coffee cake bakes in the oven
-Reading the Christmas story from the Bible and watching the kids wiggle in their seats because they want to get to the gift opening
-Pulling turkey out of the oven knowing there is enough food to feed an army
-Sending that last car payment and knowing that car is now YOURS
-Having a plan made with hubby on how to pay all your bills and still save for that awesome thing you both really want
-Flipping through my scrapbook pages and reliving those awesome memories of good times
-The floor of the living room on Christmas morning after all the gifts have been opened and there are boxes and wrapping paper EVERYWHERE
-Looking at a gazillion Christmas lights on houses and putting them up on my house

Children can really freak their parents out!  I’d really prefer for them NOT to do this!!  Peanut has elbow issues.  He dislocates his elbow – has done it several times on the left.  Last night, he did it on the right.  Ok, no big deal – daddy just puts it back in.  This time it felt possibly broken to daddy.  I’m still not exactly sure what happened.  We can’t pull him up by his hands or arms or this is likely to happen.  Ok.  Well, his dance teacher helped him jump over a shark in class and I saw her lift him by his hands.  I didn’t think anything at the time but he wasn’t using that arm like normal – now that I look back.  Over the next couple hours, he just kept crying harder and harder until daddy checked it.  Off to urgent care we went.  He settled down on the way which was a bit odd but I watched him closely and held his hand and talked to him.  Daddy filled out paperwork while our oldest and I tried to play with Peanut to see if we could get him to move his arm.  Eventually, he went after the finger skateboard and started using it like normal.  We waited and watched for about 15 minutes to see what he would do.  Fine.  He climbed around and used it like normal so we went to eat then home.  Apparently, he popped it back into place on his own without us realizing.  I’ve had to take a child to the ER one time and that turned into a few days hospital visit.  I was fearing the same this time.  I’m fine with my kids taking risks and they are all very good at recognizing their body limits and stopping before they get hurt.  I want them to test themselves so they learn their limits and know when to stop.  This scared me.  I was just imagining his arm is a big cast and I didn’t like that so much.  This is the side of parenting I don’t much care for.  (There was also some of the money factor.  We don’t have health insurance so we pay for everything out of pocket.  Normally, it’s not a problem and we do it willingly.  But, this would have been an expensive trip that isn’t worked inot my budget at this time.  I’m thinking we’ll be a bit more careful with his arms in the future!!!!!)

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You’re often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is – not for how it should be

So, I was reading a friend’s blog and took a quiz.  This was the answer for who I am.  I think it fits me to a tee.  This is exactly who I am which is why I’m having so much trouble with things right now.  I don’t feel like these aspects are allowed to come out.  I have so many expectations on me and so little time to spend doing the things I love doing that I feel like these wonderful sides of me are drowning.  They’re being lost to a rushing river flowing into the deep ocean.  The odd thing – I don’t like the sunrise time of day.  It’s beautiful and all but I’m more apt to stay up at night.  Strange.

What do you look for to see if a work place is healthy?  Air quality?  Amount of sunlight?  Attitude around the office?  Supportive department heads?  Organization?  I would look at all these things and know pretty quickly if the office is one worthy of working in.  If a place doesn’t get the air flowing, it smells stuffy.   If there’s no sunlight, people will be depressed all the time and not want to work.  If people aren’t supportive and fighting amongst themselves, where’s the fun??  If the boss doesn’t ever believe what you say or stand on your side, why bother trying to change anything for the better?  If you can’t find the tools you need to do your job, you can’t really be the best you can be.  These are things I watch out for in my office.  We do get the air flowing literally and figuratively.  We talk about almost everything in each others lives so people don’t feel the need to close up.  We open the shades and let in the light.  We try to help each other see the positive aspects that may not be so apparent all the time.  I support my staff because I want them to know I trust them and that I know they’re doing the very best job they can.  I get them the tools they need to do their job and continue to learn and have fun.  I want them to be happy and excited when they come to work.  I want them to know they are changing lives for the better and that their life is meaningful because of the work they do.  I want them to know they have friends there who support them in whatever their life is doing and that they can always open their heart and know there will be a person there to catch them.  I want that for my office and I want that for my home.  I want my children to feel the same love and caring that my staff feel.  I want my children to know that our home is full of love and support and encouragement for each other so they know that when life gets tough that home is where someone will be there to catch them and support them and love them.  The problem is that my home doesn’t feel like that to me right now.  Maybe it’s just my perception is off – I don’t know.  I feel so much battling.  I feel people trying to be better than the others.  I hear people hollering because someone accidentally bumped them going down the hall.  I see siblings saying mean things just to get a reaction.  I see people trying to prove to their parents how strong they are.  I feel feelings being hurt and I’m not hearing a heartfelt I’m Sorry.  I’m seeing people cry and I’m not seeing anyone rush to help them feel better.  I don’t see people pulling out a game and asking others if they want to join.  I don’t hear books being read as children lay under a blanket using their imaginations as they absorb the words and fall fast asleep.  I see dinner being made in a hurry and staying long in the sink afterwards.  I see winter approaching and know there will be cold days ahead where I don’t want to walk past my front door because that floor will be very cold with the breeze.  I want MY workplace to be a healthy office to work in.  How exactly do I get that?

What drives a person to take their own life?  How bad does the pain have to get for them to feel there’s no way out?  We attended a funeral yesterday of a woman we knew who had some family things happen.  Her heart had been ripped out when two boys they were trying to adopt were sent back to the indian reservation because they could get more government money.  The birth mom’s wishes for the boys to stay in this home were ignored and they were taken back.  Her world came crashing down and she didn’t know how to deal.  She put a gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger.  This is such a violent thing to do and she was NOT a violent person.  It just seems so………I don’t know.  My brain knows what happen but it’s having a hard time wrapping around the why.  This wasn’t the kind of person she was so why did it happen?  I have my ideas and they are strongly opinionated so beware of the following…… I have a strong suspision she had been put back on anti depressants.  She had been on them before which tells me that after coming off anything could have triggered their use again – especially something like the boys leaving.  Now, she wasn’t my best friend or anything but I knew her and I saw her from a distance.  I saw her smiling and trying to make her days as good as she could.  I saw her struggling.  I think it’s such a disservice to people in these situations to be given drugs.  They need people to hang out with them and talk to them.  They need people to acknowledge the pain and hurt they’re feeling.  They need people to say “I know it sucks.  I understand that you really don’t want to go on without those boys.  It feels like your heart has been ripped out of your body.  I understand.  Let’s go sit outside and listen to music.”  Why won’t people acknowledge these things?  Why does this society feel the need to turn first to drugs to deaden the pain?  Is life with pain so horrible to experience?  I’ve had pain.  I have a lot of pain right now.  But, I know people will sit and listen about it.  Where were these people for her?  These drugs are mind altering.  They create a false perception of the pain and life and these people often do such violent things as this.  Why are these deaths dismissed with a “well, all drugs cause reactions.  It wasn’t the drug – it was the disease.”  It wasn’t a disease!  It was a chemical in this person’s body that made them unable to see life and pain as it is.  It was what caused all these school shootings – putting children on mind altering drugs.  Do some research people!  These are not small little you won’t notice a thing drugs.  They change your body chemistry.  People stop eating.  People stop smiling.  People stop going out with friends.  People stop caring about their appearance.  People stop sleeping.  People want only to end the pain.  People see no way out of the pain other than ending it.  I just don’t get why this society thinks popping pills is a good thing.  Let’s take away all illness.  Let’s take away any form of pain whether it’s a headache or a stomache or a hurting knee or surgery or…….  The majority’s first reaction is “do you have a pill for that?”  Don’t bother losing weight by diet and exercise.  Let’s get the newest drug so we can continue eating McD hamburgers (and I use hamburgers VERY loosely) and drinking diet pop (that’s been shown time and time again to cause weight gain) and not getting off our behind to do anything.  Let’s take a pill that will let us not change our life at all but just get rid of this pesky weight.  OMG!!!!!  Lazy weight loss – there’s an oxymoron for ya.  I just don’t get it.  Major health issues – sure, take the drugs if you feel the need.  But, before you do, make a plan for how and when you’re getting off them.  Take a less potent drug and only the smallest amount.  This society is headed for disaster because of it’s constant need to label everything and give a drug for it.  A good friend went to the doctor for a cholesterol check up, I believe.  (it’s been several months and a few things have happened since then.)  Imagine her surprise when she left the office with a Rx for an anti depressant.  WTH??????  Well, the weight you’re carrying could make you depressed so I’m going to give you this Rx just in case.  Um, that wasn’t even what she went in there for!!!!  At the very least, stick to the topic of discussion for that appointment!  (She told the doc no btw)  I just don’t understand.  What ever happened to prevention?  what ever happened to nursing your baby to help prevent obesity and breast cancer?  what ever happened to  turning off the tv and sending the kids out to play to prevent obesity and loss of brain cells?  What ever happened to pulling out the wood and building a tree house together?  What ever happened to taking a walk in the woods?  what ever happened to playing in the rain?  What ever happened to not using a microwave and convience foods and actually cooking at the stove?  What ever happened to having fruit and veggies at a meal?  WHAT HAPPENED?????  I’ve seen those talk shows that have 2 yr old that weighs more than I do.  What ever happened to telling a child he can’t have all that junk and if he’s still hungry – here’s an apple or two.  What happened to parents being parents and showing kids the right way to do things?  Why don’t houses have gardens in the back?  Why don’t kids know what a veggie is and what a fruit is?  This society is going downhill because parents are too inconvienced by teaching their children.  Send them away to “learn” what they need to know.  What they need to know is that parents like this woman will be there for them to teach them and answer questions and guide them into adulthood.  They need to see loving homes with parents who take the time to work through troubles instead of rushing to the nearest courthouse and getting divorced.  They need to see parents sacrificing and saving instead of buying the biggest house and newest car so they can look good when they arrive at work.  There’s more to life than that an I wish this woman could have had someone take her by the hand and not let go until she could see life again.  She truly was a beautiful person and so few people had the chance to see that.   I wish those two boys had the chance to see her and live life with her.  Now, her husband is beyond distraught.  It doesn’t seem like such a small side effect once it happens to someone you know.