I had a dream.  It’s not as clear as I would like to remember but the gist of it is still there.  I was sitting on my kitchen floor with my dog laying in my lap.  Now, keep in mind that my dog was about 70 pounds.  She’s wasn’t a small dog.  But, I like big dogs.  I was holding her head and petting her very gently.  As I looked at her, she had a blank stare in her eyes.  I knew she was dead but I couldn’t let go yet.  I had to talk to her before she left completely.  I told her how much I loved her and how I’d never forget her.  I told her what a good girl she’d been with all the kids and how we’d always have a special place in our home for her.  I had a feeling of joy within her that now she can slide on the ice and bounce around in the snow all she wanted with no worries.  I sat with her for a long time just holding her and feeling her fur flow over my fingers like water.  I closed my eyes, said a little prayer, and she was gone.  Her body just disappeared and I saw her running through a field.  She stopped and turned around to look at me.  I felt like she knew we’d miss her and would never replace her even though we’d go on from there.  And, she was off.

Our dog Emi died May 6, 2007.  She had a heart attack on our kitchen floor just as we got home from church.  I held her and the kids and I sat around talking about the stories with her.  We all petted her and each child had their picture taken with her.  I carried her body out to the garage until someone came to take her and bury her.  It was much the same as the dream.  I don’t know where she’s buried but I know she’s happy.  She was old and it was her time.  She’d been given several years longer than she was going to have.  Some friends had owned her since she was 6 mth old.  We got her in October 2002 when she couldn’t get up to go outside.  Over time and adjusting, she got a lot of her energy and life back.  The former owners were going to have her put down but let us have her to see if we could help her.  My kids loved her beyond belief.  I loved her beyond belief.  I didn’t want her at first because I knew my hubby hadn’t grown up with pets.  He just didn’t see the point of having them.  I’ve always had pets and I love having them around.  They will play with you when you’re bored.  They’ll snuggle with you when you’re tired or sad.  They know when you need a happy face and they love you when you’re mad.  I told him that if he wasn’t prepared to keep her then she needed to go back right then.  I didn’t want to keep an old dog around for the kids to get attached to then have her die or leave her behind when we moved to start our practice.  She stayed in our home and we brought her with us.  Part of the reason we bought a house was so we could bring Emi with us.  It’s still hard for me to not have her here.  I like not having to worry about when we go out of town but I deeply miss having her here to hold when I just am not happy.  She would sit with me as long as I needed to cry or just stare out the window.  My kids would lay on her to watch tv and wrestle with her.  I miss her terribly.  I miss having that companionship around here.   I miss hearing her bark and I miss seeing her waiting at the door when we get home.  I miss knowing that she’s here to protect us and I miss being able to go on late night walks with her.  There is just something about having a dog around that brings joy to my day.  They take work and I know that.  I don’t miss cleaning up accidents.  I don’t miss having wet spots on the kitchen floor because she’d been drinking.  I don’t miss having to keep the baby out of the dog food.  LOL  But, I miss Emi.  I miss that love she brought to our day.

Do you know how to make a child’s world shine even brighter than the sun?  Get them something they have been waiting for.  In this case – prepointe shoes.  My daughter is excited beyond belief – and that’s putting it very mildly.  She’s been asking me every day since last week when they’d be in and was so excited at the studio last night when they said they were in.  She couldn’t get into those shoes fast enough.  So, for those that don’t know – prepointe shoes have the box like the pointe shoes (that they dance on their toes in) but the rest of the shoe is flexible like a regular ballet shoe.  They are made for learning to go up on the toes and strengthening the foot.  She won’t be staying on her toes but learning to go up and down.  It should really help her arch issue we’ve been working on.  She’s still a little young but has the dance training to get started and we’re watching very closely.  If she had her way, she’d have these shoes on 24/7.  LOL  Before class of Thursday, I’ll have to sew on her ribbons to tie and the elastic for around her foot.  Aw, the joys of the dancer’s life!

It’s been a week since my last post.  I’m less emotional now.  Thank God!  I tried to let everything go last week that I could and go easy on myself and oh, yeah, pray.  It was a hard week.  However, I’m much better now.  I am trying to get back to my journals – prayer and blessings.  I wrote in each last night before falling asleep and I really think it helped.  My brain was able to turn off and I didn’t lay there for hours.  I also have worked out yesterday and today.  I’m feeling fat again.  I’m back to 142 which I HATE typing but it’s reality.  I really wish I knew why this weight is doing such crazy things.  If I’m on a cleanse, it will stay down.  As soon as I come off, it goes right back to where it started.  It will not stay down.  I know I need to eat fewer calories so I’m back to tracking food and hoping that helps.  I wouldn’t have such an issue with it if I was in better shape but things are just flabby at 142 and I don’t like that.  I also have more trouble with my knee and the surgery from 22 years ago.  I just don’t feel very pretty or sexy or any of that jazz when I’m at this weight.  I know my hubby can tell because I’m not real interested in all that married people stuff either.  His world comes crashing down when that happens.  So, I know it needs to stay down but it just won’t!  I’m thinking we need to chat about this tomorrow at my appointment.  It’s tough sometimes having your doc be your hubby.  But, we manage.  He is amazingly supportive of what I want which helps.  He spoils me!!

Our fall schedule is in full swing now.  Tumbling started last week and both kids LOVE it.  My daughter is not as far behind as I was worried she would be.  She’s never done tumbling before but was right in there doing the back-bends and such.  She just gets in there and does whatever her body needs to whether she’s done it before or not.  (did that make sense?)  She also started prepointe at dance.  This makes class number 5.  She is beyond excited to get the new prepointe shoes.  She’s a bit young still but has the technique and ballet training to more than qualify.  Plus, there are only 2 of them in the class so she’s getting individual attention which will be a huge benefit to her.  Her shoes come in next week.  $50!!!!!!!!  Surely I could sew some????  Oh, well.  She loves it and it calms her down for at home which I love.  Now, if only she could find that library book…….  Peanut is still potty training.  I honestly can’t remember the last time he wore a diaper – although I still keep at least one pull-up in his bag with a change of clothes just in case.  I did have to get more underwear since he and his 6yr old brother can wear the same size.  Now, there is a 17ish pound difference but that 6 yr old is so skinny!!!  I wish I could have his genes!!!!  Beautiful is doing much better on her reading.  She’s been immersed (outside of dance) in Amelia Badelia.  She read almost one full book last night at the studio. 

Other exciting news!  Handsome lost his first tooth!!!  It was wiggly for a few days and he just wouldn’t leave it alone so I knew it was coming out soon.  He just yanked on it and out it popped.  His adult tooth is already thru but not real noticeable yet.  I now have three children whom the tooth fairy visits.  YIKES!  I’m suddenly feeling old.

**WARNING: frustration and thought spilling post that’s very emotional- BE WARNED**

Know what happens when you are everything to everyone all the time?  You get burned out and no one notices.  Ok, everyone notices but no one helps.  Everyone expects you to continue doing all your stuff no matter what your mood or what you want to do.  The show must go on, right?  I love my family and I love helping them.  I want my friends to have less stress.  I want to help my sunday school kids.  I want my employees to be encouraged and do the best work they can.  But, when all I get in return is “this needs to be done” “he won’t stop hitting me”  “she’s not doing what she said she would”  “it gets done this way not that way”  “I really wish you would let me have this” “are you ready??”, I start to not care so much what is done for other people.  I want to crawl into a corner and stay there with an invisibility cloak around me.  I want time off.  I don’t want to cook every single meal and listen when people whine because they didn’t get the exact food they wanted.  I don’t want to handle all the accounts and tell people how much it costs when no one has bothered to sit down and show me how to do that.  I don’t want to tell people they’re doing a good job when the numbers are not what they should be and haven’t been for a long time.  I want to tell people to stop running to me when someone is bugging them and instead do what I’ve attempted to teach and they obviously haven’t gotten.  It’s tiring.  There’s no break.  There are always bills to pay.  There is always food to buy.  There are always places to take people.  There are always sounds of video games.  There is always begging for something.  There is always a guilt trip to get what they want.  There’s always a part a car needs right now.  There’s always a place to go to have family time.  There’s always laundry.  There’s always meals to plan.  There’s always projects sitting that aren’t getting done.  There’s always books to read.  There’s always art to do.  There’s always presents to make.  There are always people who want your help because you seem to have it all together.  There’s always something lost that’s needed right now.  (Right now – it’s a dance bag with 3 pairs of brand new shoes worn only once and no idea where to locate said bag.)  There’s time for everyone else to get a few hours to do something that recharges them and makes them feel good.  Not for me.  I go from one event during the day to the next based on the schedule.  What is next for work?  What is next for children?  What is next for church?  That doesn’t make it much fun.  People ask me about plans for several weeks out.  I don’t know.  I can barely remember everything for today.  People look at me and think I have it all together.  One lady called me a supermom.  I so do not fit that bill.  Just because I can do lots doesn’t mean I’m enjoying it and it doesn’t mean I should.  I’m tired of doing 2 sets of bills.  I’m tired of encouraging everyone all the time.  I’m tired of making all the decisions for work and home.  I’m tired of handling the kids 24/7 for the past 11.5 years.  I’m tired of all the cooking.  I’m tired of stepping on dirty clothes and broken toys.  I’m tired of having a backyard to messy to show anyone.  I’m tired of looking at a hammock and never having time to use it – but the children do.  I’m tired of spiders.  I’m tired of clothes that don’t fit.  I’m tired of trying to eat right to keep my weight down and it not working.  I’m just so tired.  I want a break but there’s no time for one.  I want a couple of days to be alone and do whatever I feel like doing but I can’t.  I have too many people expecting me to be there 24/7 to be alone.  (I’ve spent about 2 weeks just trying to figure out when I can even get a 1 hr massage.)  The bills wouldn’t get paid.  The children wouldn’t eat.  The kids wouldn’t get taught.  The dishes would pile up.  The clothes wouldn’t be folded and possibly even washed.  The mail wouldn’t get opened or handled.  I’m just so tired.  Who would remember bedtime?  Who would cook?  Who would make gifts that get a lukewarm response at best?  Who would drive everywhere?  Who would make all the decisions?  I don’t want to.  I’m tired of it.  I know in my heart there is a season for everything.  Right now is my season to raise a family.  But, it’s also my season to work a full time job with no time for said job.  It’s also my season to volunteer so my kids can participate in more activities.  I have many seasons all at once.  Try having an icy winter mixed with the rain and soaring heat all wrapped into one.  A bit confusing you think?  Such is my life.  I feel like nothing is balanced because I can’t sit down long enough to work on one thing at a time.  I’m trying to handle tornados and get them to go where I want them yet not destroy anything in their path.  I want someone to come in and cook.  I want someone to see a problem and handle it.  I want someone to sit down and give me step by step how things are done.  I want someone to look at numbers and fix the problem.  I want someone to tell me they will run children to activities for one week.  I want someone else to teach the 20something children every weekend after they show me how to work the website for the material.  But, these are all things I do.  These are all things people expect me to be there to handle.  People don’t realize that when one person has all this they break down after awhile.  Every couple of months there must be a few days of binge eating and crying because it’s got to come out.  (Of course the whole time they’re telling themselves this is stupid and everything should be fine and they should be able to handle it all but they just are capable of it.  Not so great for the already present self esteem issues and the tiny clothes everyone expects you to wear yet are getting too tight and there aren’t bigger clothes to move into.)  I miss my dog.  I miss my cat.  I miss having an animal around that will curl up with you and love you no matter what you do.  Are they work?  Of course.  But I so love having animals around and I miss it when they’re gone.  It’s been over a year and I’m trying to wait so patiently.

I know this sounds bad and I know I will be over it in a couple of days.  I’m just so very tired of being everything to everyone.  It’s not going to change and I know that but there are days I really wish it would.  One day all the children will be grown and on their own.  The grandkids won’t be around all the time and the house will be quiet.  I’ll miss those video game sounds.  I’m holding onto that to make it through.  I’m holding on to the fact that God won’t give me more than I can handle.  I just wish he wouldn’t test me so often.  (off to wipe the tears, blow the nose, and put on a smile for the children coming upstairs so they don’t worry about mom.  It’s all in a day’s work.)