My baby is 2 years old.  How exactly did this happen?  He was just born and already he’s running everywhere and talking.  He signs and talks during most conversations reminding me just how bilingual he is right now.  It took me 1.5 years to process his birth.  The end result was what I wanted – a home birth of a healthy baby.  However, the path to his birth wasn’t the most pleasant I’ve experienced.  During my pregnancy I had to do some belly binding for a few months.  He was too far forward and we wanted to push him back into place.  Didn’t happen.  I gained about 60 pounds without even realizing it was happening.  I didn’t exercise but laid around in the heat.  I wasn’t prepared for his birth.  My other three births were all natural but honestly didn’t hurt.  Well, my third did because he faced up instead of down.  I wouldn’t talk to anyone because I worried that I would tell them it hurt and they’d make me go have a cesarean.  So, I just didn’t talk.  But it was doable.  The fourth one did me in.  I pushed for 2 hours which I’ve NEVER done before.  He wasn’t in the right place at all so all that pushing was doing nothing.  I had to get out of the water – my safety zone – and lay on my back on the floor.  I was in the exact position I try to get my birth clients out of for birth.  How did this happen???????  I felt like a beached whale who was so inadequate she couldn’t even birth her baby correctly.  I had one midwife holding back my legs.  I had another midwife pushing back my cervix.  I had my husband pushing my baby into the birth canal.  I had my other three children and two friends watching.  The hardest part was crowning.  I didn’t know his head was coming.  I thought I would get back in the water where I was safe.  How frightened and terrified I was as my skin burned.  I knew baby was coming and that was good but I didn’t know what was happening and I went back to my rape experience in middle school.  I relived that horrible night when I had no choice over what was happening to my body.  Now, birth is NOT always like this.  My other births were wonderful and empowering and joyful and everything else.  This was not.  Intellectually, I knew why I felt like I did and I knew his birth had to happen this way because of the situation.  But, I was plagued with so many emotions for the next year and a half that I refused to let myself relive it.  During a class a few montsh ago, I watched the video on my midwife’s insistence.  I cried and cried and cried and laughed and cried more.  I came to realize that I did all I could to get him in the right position for birth.  I did all I could to help him out during birth.  I just needed that extra help and that’s ok.  There’s nothing wrong with saying “hey, this isn’t working.  can you help me?”  I still did it.  It was still my body he came from.  It was still my muscles pushing him into the world.  No matter what his entrance, he was still my baby to love and nourish.  Through time and art and talking, I’ve come to terms with his birth.  I know he laid as he did because I didn’t have adequate abdominals.  I know I grew so big because I got lazy and used pregnancy as an excuse not to do anything physical.  I know I needed help because …… I did.  It was a learning birth for me.  It’s helped me see that even though we plan this peaceful entrance into the world we might need to alter that plan sometimes.  In that event, we do the very best we can to continue to respect nature and work with the body.  I get so frustrated at today’s birthing women who willingly pick their baby’s delivery date and see nothing wrong with it.  I get so frustrated when they take medications and do not even think twice of what it’s doing to their new precious baby.  I get so frustrated when they allow the nurses to take their baby at the height of bonding time because it’s “hospital policy.”  I want to scream that they are the ones in charge of that baby and NO ONE has the right to take it away.  I want to scream that the innocent little child is looking to them to protect him/her and teach him/her to trust.  How can this small child trust when it’s parents send it away right after birth?  Who knows that child better then the parents?  No doctor or nurse can look at a normal infant born and know that child better than those who grew him/her.  So, I sit here thinking about my children.  All four born out of hospital.  Three of the four born in water.  Two of the four born in a birth center.  Two of the four born at home.  Four of the four forging their own path to make their first mark on the world.  Each an individual yet all part of the same family.  Each one teaching me something different about mothering and making my life never the same again. Happy Birthday Peanut!!

It’s been an action filled week!  We started with a class at a scrapbook store last weekend.  The middle two children and a friend went for a couple hours to decorate a wooden letter.  None of them had been to a class like this before and all loved it!  They picked what paper to use and painted it and everything!  Each one has it displayed on the wall in their room!  Next came camp for my 6 year old (Sunday).  He’d never been to camp before and was a little nervous (but wouldn’t admit it).  A friend from church was going also which calmed any nerves.  We dropped him off without a hitch with a counselor that was 21 and had a full beard and ragged hat.  After the many pictures to satisfy mom, we were off to head home.  Peanut was very concerned about his brother not at home and asked for him every few minutes.  Akdoc and I even had a nice evening with two of the remaining children spending the night at a friends’ house.  That was nice.  **sigh**  The next day (Tuesday) found us off to camp once again.  I found many errands before heading out that way worrying the whole time if I’d forgotten the camera.  Nope, have it – GOOD!!!  I managed to go with only Peanut as the other children still weren’t home.  We had to wait a bit for late parents before we went to the kids but they were having a blast so that was ok.  The cabin had muddy clothes hanging from the rafters (literally) and muddy boots all lined up outside.  I’m not sure we came home with his clothes from that creek-stomping adventure!  We took pictures of the bunk bed and gathering room then it was off for the hot dog meal and wagon ride.  The friend’s mom forgot her camera (yes, I lectured her on this – especially since she’s a fellow scrapper!!!) so I made sure to get pictures with her boys too.  Dance came on Wednesday as usual for the summer and I even got some reading done!  WOOHOO for a Daddy who will take children!  Friday came quickly as I was heading over to a friend’s house for some video tapping.  She’s applying to Extreme Home Makeover and I was designated the director of her video – no pressure!!!  All the children spent their time playing on the trampoline, chasing various animals around, and riding the horse.  Oh, there were games in there too.  They were very well behaved and kept themselves entertained while I ran around.  After about five hours, we headed home to join Dad and big brother.  We started the weekend with errands to prepare for our major project.  We ripped up the rocks around our front tree and placed bricks around.  We also planted Hostas our neighbor gave us and got a bird bath.  We found one we all liked with various animals on it and it’s brown so it blends in well.  This was our first landscaping project but one that had been bugging me for a while.  Almost everyone chipped in to help and it was done in two days.  It looks so much nicer!  We ended the weekend with the two youngest boys making dinner – pizza.  They were so happy to be doing it on their own.  I helped with getting them their ingredients and let them do it.  It was very good!  So, tomorrow starts another week.  I have work to get done for the office and for my training.  I’m on my last book for childbirth ed and I’m starting work on my major papers.  I’m slowly working my way through without it taking too much from the family.  It’s all about balance!

I can’t wait until the end of the week.  On a spur of a moment today, we decided on a haircut.  My daughter had been asking to have her hair cut but wanted to donate to Locks of Love and she needed it to be a bit longer first.  The ponytail needs to be at least 10 inches to donate.  We asked them to measure it and it was long enough so we went for it.  She’s so cute!  I was not ready for her long hair to be gone but it really does fit her well.  She doesn’t look her 8 years anymore.  Tomorrow we will get the envelope and get the hair mailed.  If you don’t know about Locks of Love, it’s a place to donate hair to create wigs for people that are going through chemo or are otherwise ill and lose their hair.  It’s mainly (all??) children.  We looked it up online and went through the gallery.  It was amazing to see the new hope on the faces of these children.  I can’t image going through my days not having my hair and I know this will make someone very happy.  I’m so proud of her I can hardly speak!!!!!

I’ve been chatting with other moms.  Shocker – I know.  But, the subject was brought up of record keeping for homeschooling purposes.  The method we use doesn’t require record keeping other than that we did meet with our supervising teacher.  I like it because it’s simple, she feels like we do, and I don’t have to deal with the school system.  I’m one of those people that likes to keep things simple.  (Didn’t know that yet, did ya???)  Anywho, one mom said that she uses her blog as a kind of record keeping system.  She updates every week or more often if she feels the urge.  She posts about what they’ve done that week complete with pictures or video.  Well, I’m not doing video (sorry) but I can do pictures.  Maybe that will get me to take more.  So, I’m going to try that.  We’ve done some this week already but I’m going to try to wait until the end of the week.  (partly because I need to take some pictures of projects completed already)  Now, you all can see what we’re up to around here and not just listen to my ramblings about me.  Well, you’ll still get that too (sorry – a girl has to have an outlet somewhere) but you’ll also get to see more of the kids.  I know you family members will enjoy that one. 

For me – I’m realized I will not be losing all 20 pounds by the end of July as hoped.  My body just doesn’t want to go much below 129 which makes me crazy.  I haven’t gone into starvation mode and I won’t but I sure would like to get to that goal of 110.  Maybe when I can eat more correctly (is that gramatically correct????) and not have to make several meals all at once.  I’m still eating too much but it just kills me to make a big meal for the rest of the family and a different one for me.  Akdoc said he’d do the weight plan but that doesn’t change that I’d still have to make meals for several children.  I’m not going to limit their food because they are growing and need all those calories and nutrition.  But, it’s just hard on me, ya know?  So, I’m working out and this body will be what it will be.  I’m not going to stress over it.  I am focusing on toning and calling it good.  I’m doing my ab assault workout three times each week and killer legs twice.  I’m still trying to walk whenever I can but that hasn’t worked so well this past week.   So, I’m going to try to focus on those areas I can do something about.  The weight will do what it does.  I don’t have a scale and I’m not bringing one home because that will make me focus on that number and I just can’t do that.  I need to force myself to look at the other areas.  I will do my best to have a healthy temple God made so He can live in it.