Hey.  I was thinking of you today and thought I’d pop in.

 

Did I tell you I had the childbirth educator training this past weekend?  It was incredible!!!  The program is Birthworks and it’s very different than the traditional programs.  There’s a lot of empowering women to do what they feel is right for them regardless of the “routines” and such.  There’s also a lot of work on handling fears that are unresolved before birth.  The trainer really stressed the relationship with your own mother.  She kept talking about how women often will not progress well if there’s an issue with their own mother.  It was interesting because I have seen that so many times with the families I’ve worked with.  I’ve had clients have LOTS of issues and not just with their mom.  I’ve had to do a lot of hand holding for them.  But, it made me stop and think about our relationship.  Several of the women there have a pleasant but nothing more type of relationship and had not ever really sat and talked with them about anything but superficial things.  They didn’t know their own birth story or anything.  It was interesting.  It really made me thankful for having you as my mom.  I know I wasn’t always the perfect angel (ok, stop laughing) and I know it was hard for you having someone who wanted only to break the rules.  It’s tough and makes it very easy to doubt what you’re doing or if this person will grow to be a respectable human being.  But, you did a great job.  You raised a daughter who is very sure of herself and what she believes in.  You raised a daughter who will sacrifice for the love of her family without hesitation.  You raised a daughter who won’t back down when someone is just not right!  By breaking all those rules growing up, I am the self assured strong person I am today.  I’m trying my hardest to remember that with my own daughter!!! 

I’ve made it two days now.  This is a new cleanse I’ve never done before.  It’s much easier than the other I did but the stuff doesn’t exactly taste the greatest.  But, I can do anything for 1 week!!  I needed to do this to get my weight loss started again.  Oh, and I need to release some toxins that have built up.  LOL  I did my measurements and weight yesterday morning.  I measured my waist this afternoon just for kicks and I’ve lost 1.5 inches.  Ok, I’m good with that.  I weighed at akdoc’s office this afternoon just for kicks and I’ve lost 4 pounds.  Ok, that works for me too!!!  I walked 2 miles on Monday, walked 2 miles on Wednesday, and did an upper body workout today.  My plan for tomorrow is to walk at least 2 miles again.  I REALLY want to lose this last weight.  I’m getting flabby again and I don’t like it.  I gained 5 pounds back from the 70 I lost and I’d really like to get that plus the 20 I still had to lose gone.  My goal weight?  110.  I’m close enough now that I can feel what it would be like but I can’t visualize myself there.  It’s where I should be though.  For my body type and size, that’s it for me.  I’m not meant to be this size and I feel bad about being here.  Some of my heavier friends tell me “I’d die to weigh 135 again!”  Don’t get me wrong!  I’m not saying that’s a bad weight at all.  For some people, that’s the perfect weight for them.  For me – it’s too big.  It’s just not what my frame was meant to carry.  I wish people could understand that.  People look at me and think I’m a teenager (thanks!!!!!!!) and that I’m small enough and should be happy.  I can’t be unless I get to where my body tells me I need to be.  Just like that may have 10, 20, 60, 100+ pounds to lose to feel good, I have 25 pounds to get there.  I’m having to relearn how to eat to be healthy.  Right now, I’m craving pizza and a juicy hamburger from sonic.  I just want to taste something!!!  LOL  Really, I am doing well on this and I’m so very proud of myself for sticking it out.  It was MY idea to do this and I made it happen.  I’m still cooking for the family at every meal.  I dish out their food and think “no one would notice if I just licked it.  I won’t even take a bite – just lick it!”  I’m sticking it out.  I have not cheated even once for two days now.  Five more to go!!  I wonder how much I’ll lose by next Wednesday?  Any guesses??????????

It sucks!!!!!  You do all kinds of hard work to get weight off, you take a break for a bit, and now you have to start again.  Overall, I didn’t gain much weight back – a few pounds.  The kicker?  I gained inches back.  I measured this morning because I’m getting back on track.  Akdoc put me on a cleanse so I can get rid of many toxins and will help get my weight loss going again.  I hate cleanses but I know I have to do them every now and then for my own good.  I just want them to taste all yummy and they don’t.  I’ve learned through past experience to do them for 1 week at a time.  I tried a 30 day cleanse and it was just too much for me.  I can do anything for 1 week.  It’s will power the next couple days though.  I woke up this morning thinking “what do I want for breakfast – smoothie or eggs?  Oh, man!!  I can’t have either.”  I will go on will power to resist things.  Will power is a funny thing.  You want to have it for situations when you need to just push through.  But, we don’t want situations in which to learn how to have will power.  We want it to come naturally and without work and be easy to do.  I think this is a good example of how lazy our country has become.  We don’t want to save our money to pay cash for cars.  We don’t want to save our money for a vacation but put it on credit.  We don’t want to wait to move into a bigger house because…well, we just want to now.  I’m so guilty of this!  I keep looking at bigger houses that I know I can’t afford but are so tempting!!  We are a large family now and won’t be getting any smaller so that extra space would be great!  But, we really do fine with what we have.  It’s hard!  I’m proud of myself for losing all the weight I have.  I’m proud of myself for watching what I ate and how much I exercised so I could do it.  Akdoc and I were watching the Biggest Loser last night.  I’ve lost more percentage than a lot of those people!  Have you seen those dramatic pictures?????  Wow.  It puts things a little in perspective.  I started out a tight size 12.  I am currently in a size 6.  My goal?  Size 1 or 0.  I have about 25 pounds to lose to reach my goal weight of 110.  I think this will be difficult but it needs to be done.  My body isn’t overly large.  There was a kid that came to my front door yesterday trying to sell me magazines.  The kids told me he was there so I went out.  “Is your mom home?” he asked me.  ME!??!?!?!?!?!  I just looked at him.  “Oh, do you live here?”  “Yes I do.”  It was crazy funny!!!  I almost thought about buying something just because he asked if my mom was home – almost.  I need that external validation to continue.  I need people to tell me what a good job I’m doing even if I haven’t done anything in a week.  I need to hear it.  I need to look in the mirror and see the changes.  I’m not vain about it but that’s what motivates me to continue when I just want to go to the pizza buffet and gorge myself.  So, where do I go from here?  Well, first, I finish this cleanse drink.  Then, it’s off to clean the house and get ready for the day.  Prepare myself for the task of grocery shopping for food for other people.  Prepare myself for the will power I will need to get the crap food out of my house and bring in the healthy food.  Prepare myself for the cries of the children for the food I can’t have and they shouldn’t have.  Wow, I’m busy!  LOL 

What does it mean to be empowered?  Does it mean having someone tell you that you can do something?  Does it mean going against the grain and doing it anyway?  I spent the weekend with 11 other women that I will not forget.  There names will fade but the experience will remain.  What was so great, you ask?  Well, let me tell you.  Have you ever been around people that felt right?  You know, you can sit in the same room and know that each of you have a fundamental truth in common.  You don’t worry about what you say because you know you will not be judged but support because you believe as you do.  It doesn’t matter if the others believe in exactly the same way but you will all be supported.  That was my weekend.  The topic:  A WOMAN INSTINCTIVELY KNOWS HOW TO BIRTH HER BABY.  It’s such a simple statement yet very profound.  Birth is such an ancient art that’s so empowering to women.  You dance.  You rock.  You moan.  You sway.  You feel.  You cry.  You sleep.  You reach.  You move.  You need.  Every mother goes through this to birth her baby.  It’s instinctive in every woman from thousands and thousands of years ago to this very day.   The question: why do it?  Why do women need to feel their babies be born?  Why do women need to sacrifice for their babies?  Why do dads need to support mom in every way?  Why do we need to teach young girls the way of birth?  Why?  Because the ancient art is being lost.  Each time a women decides to have her baby cut out for nomedical reason, part is lost.  Each time a women needs her legs held up to push because she can’t feel her pelvis, part is lost.  Each time a women makes the choice to take away the pain of birth, part is lost.  The body is created to make life, sustain life, birth life, and nourish life.  It’s what has allowed each person to be on this planet right now.  Women need to get reconnected to this basic ability of womanhood.  We need to hear our voices telling us what to eat, how to move, what sounds to make, who to listen to.  We need to allow our bodies to feel the intense work and power that is birth.  The body has a need to complete the circle of life by pushing out a being.  Hormones need this completion.  Mothers are different because of their labor and birth.  Hormonally.  Emotionally.  Mentally.  Physically.  We’re different because we did as nature intends.  What will happen if we don’t get back our birthing roots?  We’ll lose it.  Our daughters will not know to listen to their body.  They will not know the birth dance.  They will not know the birth song.  They will not know they have CHOICES in their births.  Is this the world I want to live in?  Do I want my grandchildren brought into a world where their mother doesn’t think to get off the bed and use gravity?  Do I want my grandchildren brought into a world where their mother doesn’t think to question the epidural?  Do I want my grandchildren brought into a world where their mother doesn’t think to stay in the place she feels safest?  What world do I want to leave behind?  Kind.  Gentle.  Loving.  Supportive.  Nourishing.  Attached.  Whole.  Trusted.  Believed.  Heard.  This is the world I want for not only my children and grandchildren but for ALL children and grandchildren.  I’m sad to say that I don’t feel that world much out of my own home.  My children havewitnessed birth in a loving family home with supportive people who care deeply about the mother and child.  They’ve heard birth songs.  They’ve seen birth dances.  They know how amazingly powerful birth can be because they live it daily with a mother who believes it as a truth.  What does their future hold for them?  I hope their future holds strong beliefs, positive experiences, loving relationships.  This begins at birth.  I am empowered.  I am hopeful for the future.  For me, I will touch as many birthing families as I can to teach the mothers and the daughters the songs and dances they so desperately need to know so the ancient art of birth will live on.