It’s the end of another year.  This is the appropriate time to remember all the good and bad, right?  Well, ok.  The office is growing and some weeds have been pulled to help it grow even more.  I’m excited about where it’s headed and I hope I have less stress with it soon.  The children are all growing.  Kierian’s almost my height and can’t wear my shoes anymore.  I think his waist is the same as mine.  Kianna is really thriving in dance.  She moved to a new studio and is being challenged more and is really thriving on the new people and skills.  Aiden loves his dance class.  He is becoming his own person but still likes to resort to hitting other siblings and sulking.  Lycan is a ham.  He’s 17 months now instead of 5 months last year.  He’s just amazing to watch as he learns new skills.  Me?  I’m crazy as always.  I’ve learned knitting and am working on a scarf.  I finished 2 cross stitch stockings and have 1 left (if I don’t make ones for Paul and myself).  I got a new sewing machine and am really looking forward to doing more little projects on that.  I worked on the kitchen counter this weekend and I am REALLY excited to get that done.  We have the sink and facet here but they’re not really to be put in just yet.  I’m so ready to get some of these projects done so my house really feels even more like my home.  This is the longest I’ve lived in one place so I keep feeling that pull to make things new.  I don’t want to move (although, larger bedrooms and another bath would be nice – not essential but nice) but I do want to finish painting my colors, do the kids’ rooms, and such.  The cooler I can make my house the more I will want to stay here.  Ok, on to Paul.  He’s been busy this year too.  He’s done a lot of seminars and learned more information than I even thought could fit in that head.  I’m really hoping this next year will bring him home more to be with us for family time.  We really miss having him around to watch movies, play games, sit and talk, wrestle, cook, etc with.  We all know he is called to heal but we like to have him here with us some too.  It’s a balance a doctor family must find and work with constantly.  I will be starting a new food program with the new year.  I have done it in pieces already and did like it.  I just have to do some planning ahead which I’m not always good at.  Also, I have to add in the exercise.  I’m really hoping to finally lose this last 20 pounds and this is the time to get going again.  Watch – I’ll lose it then get pregnant.  I just know it.  Oh, well.  Everyone is watching my tummy these days waiting for when the next child will show up.  Talk about pressure!  Not that I’m done having kids but I do hope to wait until next winter before another shows up.  We already have four surprise blessings so you never know.  We’ll just go with whatever God has in our plans and thank him for that.  Ok, time to go now.  HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If Christmas day doesn’t go as planned, does it make it any less Christmas?  It all started yesterday – Christmas Eve.  Anyone that knows us knows that we spend all afternoon on Christmas Eve at church.  3pm service: children sing and sound (doc).  5pm service: Angel choir and spotlight (doc).  7pm service: chancel choir (both), Angel choir, wiseguy (doc), Shepard (Kierian).  9pm service:  OFF for dinner!  10 pm: communion.  11pm service: doc sings One King.  This is tradition and I personally love it.  The kids could take it or leave it but I honestly LOVE it.  Usually.  This year?  I woke up that morning with a stomach bug compliments of Aiden.  Thanks.  I missed the 3pm service completely.  I managed to get there for Angel choir but almost fainted during it from lack of calories due to the vomiting that morning.  I decided to nix the rest of my singing and stay seated the rest of the services.  I did well and managed to eat food at dinner.  11pm service came and Lycan needed sleep.  I spent that one getting his eyes closed.  He did go down just in time for me to run and hear doc sing.  So, it went well.  My FAVORITE part of Christmas is at midnight in the sanctuary with all the candles lit singing O Holy Night.  I cry every time.  There is just something about ringing in Christ’s birthday that gets me.  Last year, we played the holy family.  Our church uses a real baby at the 5, 7, and 9pm services.  I got a new perspective of Mary while I sat there watching my son lay in an actual manger filled with hay and sleeping peacefully.  I’ve heard the story countless times but rarely do you hear it from Mary or Joseph’s perspectives and they are really cool to think about.  Anywho, Kierian didn’t want to fall asleep last night so I was up until about 3am.  After that, Lycan decided to wake often as did doc who was now feeling the effects of the stomach bug.  (Kierian was kind enough to christen doc’s car on the way home from church.  Took awhile to get that all cleaned up.)  The kids woke us somewhere around 8:30ish.  They are allowed to get into their stockings but nothing else.  This year we all got new pj’s in our stockings.  (They said they really liked getting new ones so I believe a tradition has been formed.)  My mom who is visiting (surprise kids!) is now feeling the effects of said stomach bug.  I made the coffee cake, doc read the story from the Bible, and the gift tearing began.  I couldn’t tell you who gave what to the kids.  It’s really a free for all until they are all gone.  All I know is everyone was happy at the end of it all and has been kept busy all day.  I didn’t make Christmas dinner today – figured only a select few would be able to tolerate it anyway.  I’ll try tomorrow.  It was relaxing thought.  I taught myself how to knit.  I’ve been wanting to learn for awhile and now I know.  It’s just the very basics but I made it through a sample square.  YEAH ME!!!  I got a new sewing machine that has all kinds of fancy stitches.  I’m going to be busy so holler at doc when I forget to write for awhile.  hehe  MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!

I’ve tried to stay busy this season.  Bread baking (I can’t do this often enough.)  I’ve also been helping children make gifts for others.  These are ribbon candles that just have ribbon hot glued onto the candle.  Here’s a gift I made for a girl at work.  She didn’t have an apron and was WAY excited to get this.  Here’s a memory board I made for my son.  It’s to put up on his wall so he has a place to put pictures or art or whatever else he’d like to put up.  I feel like I haven’t done hardly anything but the cards are out, the kids’ pictures are labeled and divided up, the packages are mailed, the gifts are wrapped and hidden, and the grandmother has been scooped up from the airport (the shock on the kids’ faces was PRICELESS!!!)  We will be at several services tomorrow as usual – 3: children sing and doc does sounds; 5: angel choir and doc does spotlight; 7: angel choir and regular choir and doc is a wiseguy; 9: OFF; 11: doc sings a solo and I must start Christmas by candlelight.  Yep, the season is upon us.  Oh, I had a wise idea this year.  I did NOT open any packages that came in the mail or put any other presents under the tree.  I get so angry every year telling children to stay out of their gifts knowing they are peaking.  There hasn’t been that trouble this year.  I like it!  I told doc this may have become a new tradition!!

Remember A Christmas Carol?  You know, the one where the angel takes what’s his name back through time to show him how lives would be if he hadn’t been there?  Ok, like It’s A Wonderful Life also.  I was going thru a few blogs that I love to see/read but just don’t have the time.  I love them because they give me ideas to do with my family.  I long for those days where everyone gets along, you see learning happening, and everyone has a smile on their face at the end of the day.  With six people, days just aren’t usually like that.  So, I cherish those blogs that say “you can do this.  You can do things with your children and everyone will be happy at the end of this.”  I’m not sure about my oldest but he will do things just to appease mom.  I go thru these blogs every now and then and see what they’re up to.  Today?  They are full of wreaths.  Not fancy spend all day send the children away so no one disturbs you set it on the bookcase so no one touches it kind of wreaths.  But, grab your leftover fabric whatever colors or patterns those may be and glue, tie, string, sew, or whatever strikes you today and just make something kind of wreaths.  (can you say serious run-on?)  These are the kinds that you know are handmade with love.  Those are my favorites.  Each year we try to make as many Christmas gifts as we can.  Some years, they are more well received than others.  (No one seemed to like our children decorated boxes nor did they feel they were enough of a gift.)  To me, they are a gift from the heart.  However, we have many we send gifts to that really do prefer the purchased gift that is just like everyone else.  I hate those.  I don’t want the same gift the neighbor got.  (Don’t get me wrong – find me the perfect crafting/sewing/artsy fartsy book and I’m ALL over that!)  I want something that this person took time to think about and create with love.  I want someone to spend their time to create something from the heart.  Does it have to be elaborate or expensive?  OMGoodness, NNOOOO!!!!  I’d love nothing more than to receive a nice basket full of remnants of fabric and thread with lots of colors, designs, textures, and such.  I love someone to find a nice scrapbook album that they feel just looks like me and stick in some paper.  I’d love some new chalks or charcoals or such to do more drawings.  I’d love a set of handmade cards to send to people just because.  I’d love a gift card to any number of crafting places!!  Oh, what heaven!!!!  It’s hard for me to know who’s life I’ve touched.  Some days it feels like none.  Ok, I know the children and my husband are a given but who else?  Who else do I matter to?  Who else can I think of or pray for just because they popped into my head and know it made a difference to them?  Who can I suddenly remember it’s their birthday and I have that perfect card here waiting to be sent and I do manage to get it into the mail?  Who can I made a gift for just because it seemed like a nice gift to make and know they will appreciate the time and effort that went into it?  It’s those lives I sometimes forget that I do touch even-though I don’t always know.  It’s that baby who I helped be born that will never know me but through his mother’s story and the letter I wrote.  It’s that child in my Sunday School class that came but a handful of times but happen to be there on the explanation of the Trinity and how we are like the Trinity.  I don’t know if that child will remember but I do know the rest of the class got it because they repeat it often.  It’s those lives I’m extra thankful for.  It’s those lives that I will never know if/how/when/why I’ve touched them but they are a little different and better because I was there for but a tiny sliver of time.

Starting something new is hard!  Doc (aka hubby aka Paul) has me starting a new food plan.  It’s not a diet because it’s a way of eating but it’s new and I’m nervous about it.  I have a little more weight to lose and I’m really struggling to keep up my motivation to get that off.  I still eat food I know I shouldn’t and more than only 1 serving.  SHOCK  I’m like most of American.  HORROR  This program helps you look at what you’re eating, how much, how much of each food group, and such.  The basics for me – 1300 calories, (# of servings) 2 food bars, 1 legume, 3-4 min of cat 1 veggies, 1 cat 2 veggies, 2 protein, 4 oil, 1 nuts and seeds, 2 fruit, 0 dairy, 1 grain – each day.  Now, when I looked, I wasn’t doing as bad as I thought.  However, I lacked in the legume, fruit, food bar, nuts, and veggies.  I did really well for 2 days but ate at a pizza buffet last night.  HOWEVER, I had mostly veggie pizza and stopped before I normally would.  I was proud of myself – baby steps.  Today for lunch?  I’m eating a salad with spinach, carrots, ham, bacon, and a homemade salad dressing.  All for a whopping 234 calories.  It’s enough to fill me yet very small on calories and I’m getting several food groups at once!  I’m so proud of myself!!!  I’m finding the hardest time is dinner.  It’s just so easy to over eat or eat out and I don’t do well with saying no.  A patient at work keeps bringing in fudge.  I love the stuff so allow only one piece every few days.  It’s a compromise.  I’m certainly not going to give up sweets or chocolate so this is a nice way to still enjoy it yet not overdue things.  I also have to add exercise which I haven’t been consistent with since the beginning of the summer.  I have workout out twice this week and will do some today.  At church, I strapped Lycan (16 mth and about 22 lbs) in the sling and walked around the church quickly and up and down stairs for 20 minutes.  I normally go sit in the nursery.   It’s really hard to change old habits but I am really trying.  I know I need to get this last 20 off and I really do want to.  This whole program is about body comp change and getting the right foods in so your body can do what it needs to do with the correct nutrients.  It’s the holistic approach to losing weight.  I do a body comp scan every so often to see the changes.  I take supplements to make sure I have everything I need or tweak and detox symptoms.  I’m excited!  I have a long way to go and it’s a 12 week program but I will get it done.  I want that belly button ring!!!!!!!!!  (I’m also thinking a day at the local spa but don’t tell doc!!)

Today was one of those days.  As soon as I climbed out of bed, I wanted to curl back up and stay there all day.  Children will be children and I know this.  They aren’t adults and can’t always be treated like such.  They will do stupid things for no reason at all.  They will question every syllable that comes out of my mouth just because it seems like a good idea to them.  This is normal behavior at every stage.  It’s how they learn about me, our home, and the world around them.  However, when mom needs a break, that’s a bad combo with all those questions.  I felt like a time bomb moving from one situation to the next and trying to keep the fuse from going off.  I wanted to make them a nice breakfast but some didn’t feel like eating.  I didn’t know this until after the food was cooked.  As I’m putting it on my plate, work calls and wants to go out to lunch.  Lunch was in about an hour.  Um….ok.  Rooms still weren’t cleaned like they were supposed to have been done two days ago.  At this point – who really cares??!!  I did manage to get some vent time over lunch which helped but it doesn’t solve the problems.  Off to dance we go only to find the parking lot empty.  Oh, it was cancelled.  Didn’t know that.  Back home to clean a certain bedroom myself.  That took until dinner time then work after.  Now, everyone else is asleep and my brain is still on the treadmill where my body should have been today.  I have no energy.  I have no motivation.  There are many projects that need doing but I just can’t get myself up to do them.  I feel like everything I clean is messed up as I walk out of the room.  The laundry is piled 4 baskets high yet I just don’t fold it.  It’s frustrating.  I want a clean house for the holidays which means I have to start now to have any hope of it being done by then.  I try to remind myself that a little at a time is the best way to get it done.  I just want it to stay that way!!!  Not enough time in my day!!!!!!!

Another year has passed.  Not exactly sure where the time has gone.  Out the window?  Under the tree?  Stolen by an elf?  Wherever it went, I really wish it would come back.  It’s passed incredibly too quickly.  My oldest son has turned 11.  He’s the same size – ok, a little bigger in many ways – as I am.  He can’t wear my shoes – his feet are too wide.  He can wear my pants but does need to roll them up.  He can wear my shirt – not that he’d want to!  He’s too big.  I know.  I know.  He has to grow up and I’m happy about the young man he is but I still want my little man around.  During his two’s, I’d tell him “not for little men” and he’d walk away without a fuss.  Now?  “But, Mom!  I want to do this and I’m BBOOOOORRRRRREEEEEDDDDDDDD!”  My how things change.  He’s still a quiet guy who prefers to hang around with friends.  Except, now it’s with his friends at church instead of his family at home.  He did manage to enjoy lunch with us and friends.  I think it was because of the gifts but who’s keeping watch.  He even didn’t mind the homemade cake.  It was a nice day.  I didn’t pull out the pictures like I usually do but that might embarrass him at this point.  Tempting, but I’ll refrain.  It just doesn’t seem right that he’s that age.  I’m still waiting for his real mom to come pick him up and pay me for babysitting for 11 years.   Then, it would be time to shop!!!  It’s a new phase of life and I’m happy to be going into it and excited about what it will bring.  I’m just a sap for the old days of little feet running around the house and a little man snuggled up to mom.  Good thing there’s three more behind him!

What keeps a person from doing what they know they need to do?  I set a goal of weighing 110 pounds.  Can be done with a little – ok, hard – work.  At the end of my fourth pregnancy, I hit over 200 pounds.  For some, not a problem.  For my little 5 foot 1 inch frame?  Not good.  I was the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life and I hated it.  I was happy for the baby but hated the lack of energy, pain with every step, little motivation to do anything, and constant craving for food.  I decided that I needed to get back to my smaller shape and feel good again.  So, I’ve worked on it.  I’ve lost 70 pounds and feel so much better.  Hardly the same person.  However, I still have 20 pounds to go to hit that goal.  I did wonderful until the summer hit.  We had so much going on and I just got out of the habit of working out and watching what I eat.  I let it slide.  It’s my fault – I know that.  But, now I’m having a HORRIBLE time getting back into the swing of things.  I’ll decide to do it and work out monday morning.  Then, something happens and I don’t feel well or just truely don’t have time.  It’s frustrating because I want those last 20 pounds gone but I’m just not doing what I need to do.  I’ve told some friends that I think the problem is that I’m ok with how I look and feel right now so it’s not as big of a priority as it once was.  The question – how do I get it back to the same priority as before?  Do I raise the prize?  Do I find other prizes along the way?  Do I get the kids involved?  Do I get Doc involved?  What’s my punishment if I don’t do it?  I’m not holding myself accountable like I should be.  I let that self doubt and mean self talk get in my way.  I find any excuse to not do it.  This is the worst possible time to work on this but I’m going to do what I can and start fresh at the new year.  I will find another big gift to myself – with doc’s permission of course – and make it a priority.  Doc has a new food plan he wants me on so I’ll do my best.  I don’t like change but I will try.  First step?  Go to bed BEFORE 1:30 am.  Shesh!!

I took the children out to dinner last night.  No big deal – I do know how to handle them in public.  We had a very nice meal.  It was so comforting to sit with them and talk.  Watch them get creative on their menus and attempt to answer their endless round of questions.  I get so caught up in how frustrating it is to never hear quiet – unless I stay up late!  I forget what a blessing it is to just be with them.  They are all very interesting people who have unique personalities.  I would really miss a lot if I didn’t stop every now and then and hear them.  It’s hard to see them as future adults but that’s what they are.  They don’t always think or act like an adult but my job is to view and treat them as such.  Doc and I have always expected a lot of our children.  We expect them to act with respect, tell the truth, and make sound decisions.  In return, we do the same to each of them.  I think it breeds a genuine respect for family members that creates a unity many families are lacking.  We’re not perfect and I don’t even claim that.  But, we all care for each other and really love one another.  Taking that time at dinner to  hear them helped reaffirm that truth.

Crazy dream last night.  I was visiting a school for unruly kids.  I drove there and all the kids were outside playing football or some such game.  All were in uniform.  I went inside the building and to the front desk.  I was given intake paperwork and proceeded to fill it all out based on my oldest son.  I remember having a feeling of “I hope this works for him because he just won’t stop picking on his siblings.”  (He does this in real life but certainly not to the extent that I would send him away!)  I took the paperwork – all filled out – and went home to pick up the family for church.  No one was ready and I had to rush everyone to get ready and get to church on time.  Frustrating.  After church, we all went back to the school.  The children were all amazed yet scared.  I parked and went inside.  There were several people from church at the school and each one stopped to ask me how things were going.  I told them a break is needed and they all reassured me things would be fine but it would be tough at first.  I had a feeling of trust that they knew what they were talking about.  I hugged the family and took myself into the school as they all drove away.  I felt conflicted because I knew I wanted/needed a break but I knew I would miss them all terribly.  It didn’t shock me that I had thought someone else was staying but I ended up staying alone.  I woke to strange feelings also.  On one hand, I’d LOVE a break.  I run constantly and feel guilty whenever I stop running.  I do so much for other people and I have a very difficult time saying no.  I love to serve and I take pleasure in doing it at the time but before and after is stressful.  On the other hand, I don’t know what would happen around here if I did take a break.  I can just imagine the pile of dishes waiting for me.  The mound of laundry to fold.  The dirty clothes laying next to the clothes hamper – that’s empty.  The broken toys laying on the floor.  It’s just not worth it!  I envy moms that can take a day off and just go be alone.  I envy them because they are able to do whatever they feel like doing without having to check with anyone.  No worries about children being fed, dishes being washed, kitchens cleaned, laundry folded, diapers changed, bills paid, and everything else a mom needs to take care of.  They have time to just do whatever they feel like and not worry about it.  They give themselves (and others give them) permission to enjoy that time and put themselves first.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  My family gives me time every now and then.  I’ll get to pick if I want to go to a movie or not.  I’ll get to set the schedule of errand running and where we go first.  I get to pick what’s for dinner and they don’t usually fight me too hard if I decide I want a restaurant.  But, it’s the day to day things that get to a person to.  Hanging coats.  “Why don’t we put them over there?  That would make more sense.”  Driving somewhere.  “I want to go that way so we can see xxxxx.”  Speaking about one topic and being stopped mid-sentence and asked about a completely different topic  “I talked to Joanna…….. Did you see my blog?”  (Um, ok, nevermind about what I was trying to say)  A fussy baby while writing a blog.  “But, I’m cleaning!  (as they lay on the floor in front of the tv)”  It’s things like that I feel guilty being irritated over but can’t help.  I know they aren’t meaning to irritate me but it has a feeling of disrespect, ya know?  They can’t let me finish a statement because theirs seems more important.  They can’t let me make a decision to put a coat somewhere because they feel their spot is better.  While I do ok with it outwardly (I think), it really wears a person down.  I get the time from 11ish until I’m too tired to stay awake (when everyone else is asleep) but that’s typically filled with work stuff or studying.  It’s not me time.  I would NEVER trade my family for ANYTHING in this world.  I just need a break!