I’ve done yet another motherly thing. I didn’t want to but it had to be done and I knew I was the right one to tackle the job. I took my daughter shopping. True, we’ve done this thousands of times over the past 9.5 years but this one was different. We had lunch. Just the girls. Went to her favorite store. Just the girls. We bought her first bra. Just the girls. It’s another one of those “I know this will happen someday but I’m going to pretend that my children will be young forever and nature will understand and take pity on my nerves and do what I want.” Stop laughing. STOP laughing. STOP LAUGHING! My baby’s growing up. She’s not the same little girl that ran around the room hugging everyone just because they loved her grin. She’s a beautiful young lady who is embarking on her own journey into womanhood. While not all the changes have occured, they are on their way. Her eyes light up at the thought of being older. She wants to wear makeup like mom. She wants to wear mom’s jewelry. She wants to stay up later at night. She wants a cell phone. Yet, she still comes to me during dance class to snuggle because she’s tired. She crawls into my lap and curls up into a ball because she just needs to reconnect. I long for her to enjoy these days of innocence. I long for her to realize that life will happen faster with each year and now is the time to just enjoy. I long for her to be still and creative and do what she loves best. I worry about the future. How many boys will I need to chase down and bonk over the head? What will she think of herself and her childhood? Will she remember our outings and being giggly? What will her path become? How hard will life treat her? How big will she be? What will she do? So many questions come from one small shopping trip. To deal with this, I felt called to clean out kid clothes. (weird – I know) So, I pulled out all those packed away boxes and sorted clothes long since worn into piles to repack only those that mean the most to me. I touched ever so gently outfits that once were dragged through mud. I touched outfits that she once slept in. I touched outfits worn day after day after day. I held her coming home outfit. And…I cried. Not because I want those days back. But because I’m losing a part of my life with each day that passes. I will one day not be the mom with the youngest child anymore. I will one day have gray hair. I will one day have college students. I will one day have grandchildren and it scares me to pieces. My life is flying by and I want to catch it and hang on. I want to enjoy my time here and enjoy the time I have with my children. They will one day leave home and I won’t get to see them everyday. While the peace and quiet will be nice, I know I will grow tired of it quickly. But, I do have time with my love to look forward to…

We’re at it again.  After a few years, I’m so back in new mom mode.  My brain is on nothing else but him.  I watch him while he sleeps – making sure he’s breathing often enough.  I don’t wake him but touch him if his breath hasn’t come fast enough to soothe my nerves.  I worry if he’s getting everything he needs.  Did I get all the right stuff?  Is his transition going ok?  How will our first night at home be?  Will he keep me up all night?  How will the kids react?  Will they get along?  I can’t help but touch him.  He’s so soft!!  Yes, mommy mode is in full swing.  I never thought it would hit this fast.  Be worried – of course!  But so soon?  Wow.  I think this one will keep me on my toes.  Brinley has won my heart!!!

Boxer pup - 6 weeks old today! (ignore the date stamp)

My last grandparent passed away last week.  There are no more left for me.  I lost one a few months ago.  I can’t say it was a real surprise when she left but I wasn’t ready for it.  This one?  This one came out of nowhere.  One minute she was living alone and taking care of herself and the next she had a heart attack.  Everything changed.  The heart attack didn’t take her body but it did take her will to live.  She was done and ready to move on.  I can only say that I hope she was able to look back on her life and feel joy at what she did and accomplished.  She had three kids and raised them all to be independent adults who take care of themselves and are happy with their lives.  Each has children of their own who are all independent and – most of them – have their own children.  There’s not many other things I know.  Don’t get me wrong – I know some family stories from my mom’s perspective but not my grandmother’s.  She just wasn’t the type to recount such events.  She liked to tell it like she sees it right now and to hell with the consequences.  I supposed most people feel that way once they reach a certain age but tact is still a wonderful thing.  I feel sad that some of my children never met her.  They only know of her through my stories and our pictures.  I do not know of any 4 generations of girls picture – although I hope there’s one that has escaped my memory.  What makes me even more sad is that there is no longer a buffer between death and my parents.  I hate to even think it but they are the next in line to go and I’m not ready for that.  It happens – death is a natural part of life.  But, I’ll be after them.  It will one day be my turn.  What will my children remember of me?  What will my grandchildren or great grandchildren think of when my name is mentioned?  I suddenly feel an overwhelming urge to document family stories.  I feel the need to write things I remember and opinions I have.  I’d like my family to remember my wild and crazy side and not my overly dramatic side.  (I always wondered where my daughter gets that!)  I suppose I’m telling myself to journal more?  I suppose I’m telling myself that each story NEEDS to be written before it’s forgotten in a massive web of neurons never to be found again.  I suppose I’m telling myself that I need to make more of my time here and worry less about where I should be in the next 5 years or so.  Will that matter to my children?  I doubt it.  If they can look back and say they had a great time with mom doing whatever we did, I’d call that a success.  If they feel joy at remembering their childhood, I’d call that a success.  If they look back and know they were loved beyond measure even if they didn’t really like me at the time, I’d call that a success.  If they know without a shadow of a doubt that their parents will help them succeed however they can even if that means letting them manage the hard road through life, I’d call that a success.  They’ve been given to me for such a short time and one day they will be called home too.  We all need to make the most of that time here.  Easier said than done – I know.  But, I need to make a start.  Baby steps over time add up to some giant steps successfully accomplished.

Ya know what’s outside my house right now? A speed radar thing from the Ankeny Police. (Yes, that’s the official name.) One of those things they put on the side of the road and it tells you what speed you’re going and blinks at you if you’re going over the speed limit. Ya – one of those. Guess what my husband and the rest of my children are doing with it right at this very moment? They are taking turns – amazing feat by itself – running at it so it will tell them how fast they are running. I would never have thought to do such a thing. Leave it to my amazing man to figure out a way for this one to work. What are the top speeds, you ask? Paul – 18 mph. Kierian – 14 mph. Kianna – 11 mph. Aiden – 12 mph. Lycan’s standing on the sidewalk watching. If I ever needed an example of a goofy yet very creative family, I found one.

It’s become an annual tradition. We break out the hot rod and head to the Iowa State Fair Grounds in Des Moines for a day of old cars, tired kids, coloring pages, and pictures. It’s really cool to walk around and check out history. Who owned this car years ago? What was life like for them? Did they drive this every day like we do now or was it taken out only for special occasions? How much did they pay for such a thing? The questions fly through my mind. Paul is like a little kid again. He drives with his arm hanging out the window and smiles and waves as strangers take pictures of his pride and joy. I’m glad he decided to take the car this year. He walks a bit taller when he has the Satellite out in the open air. He’s so cautious it makes me laugh. I spend the day watching all my boys drool over muscle cars and delight at hearing them correctly identify which type of car they’re checking out. What a manly thing for them! Kianna and I? We hit the craft area and check out the jewelry. We like the cars too but not as much as the boys do.  Cars and Men – they just go together. The evening is always a bit tricky. See, there’s fireworks. Now, most of us love fireworks. Lycan – not so much. He loves to watch them and see the designs and colors. But when they make a noise, he’s DONE! I’m not talking ok lets think about leaving now. I mean “I WANT TO BE HOME NOW! NO I WON’T WAIT A FEW MORE MINUTES! I AM LEAVING NOW!!” He can’t stand the noise. So, in the car we sat. He on my lap with both hands tightly covering his little ears all while marveling over the designs. “That’s a fountain! That’s a tall fountain! There’s a flower! Mommy! Did you see all the moons? That one’s red, white, pink, green, purple, and sparkly just like the moons!” All without taking a breath.  I sure do love that kid.

How many head bangs against the wall does it take to lose a pound?!?!  Seriously!!!  Cleanse – check.  Exercise – check.  Watch the food intake – check.  Get frustrated – check.  Watch the scale go in the opposite direction you want – CHECK.  I can’t even tell you how frustrated I am with the whole weight issue right now.  I do a cleanse and lose 7.5 pounds.  AWESOME!!!  I start walking on the treadmill and even running some.  What happens?  I gain 4 pounds back.  Um, I thought the exercise was supposed to take OFF the pounds and not put them on.  Am I confused on this???  I did pay attention to the health science classes in college.  I just don’t get it.  I understand that I still can’t do much exercising with the shoulder still frozen.  But, I’ve increased my jogging from zero until a few weeks ago to jogging a half mile.  I’ve increase my walking from 1 mile to 4 miles.  I just don’t get it.  My pants size went from a 2/4 to a 6/8.  It makes no sense.  I don’t doubt that God put the body together in perfect working order I just really wish he gave each of us a manual on how to handle these things according to our body.  I’m so ready to give up on this whole watch your weight thing.  My knee still hurts so I clearly still need to get some of this off.  If someone could tell me what it is I need to do to handle this, I would be eternally grateful.  I just don’t get it.  I know I’m not horribly overweight or anything but I need to take off 20-25 pounds and it just won’t budge.  I’m at the point where anything I put in my mouth I feel crazy guilty about because I think “well, this is just going to add to the problem.”  If I didn’t like food so much I’d easily have an eating disorder by now.  I’m not wanting sweets of any kind or pop.  The cleanse did curb those cravings.  I don’t eat when I’m not hungry.  My main problems are my lack of eating small meals and making sure those meals are good nutritious foods.  We eat out a lot and I have my hubby’s support on eating at home more but I just don’t like to clean a kitchen.  I’d rather spend the money and go out than have to clean a kitchen.  I know that’s backwards but that’s how I am.  I recognize that and I do fight it as often as I can.  GGGRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!  I just want to feel at peace with my body and not have the health problems.  I want to be able to run that 5K I’m telling myself I”m training for without fear that I won’t make it.  I want to look in the mirror and like what I see.  I don’t want to see only the flabby spots.  I want my clothes to fit even if they are a larger size than a 2 (although I REALLY like 2).  I want people to stop telling me I’m suppose to be little because I don’t feel very little and instead I feel like I’m disappointing each one of them by not being the smaller size I should be.  UGH!!!!!  I hate weight.

A man is never as sexy as when he’s without a shirt and holding a newborn in his arms. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm From growing up together, to raising children together. From providing for us, to praying for us. From playing ghost in the graveyard at midnight, to resting in the hammock. From taking hours to get into the water to be splashed, to riding the rollar coaster. From little kisses on the cheek, to returning home from work to hear “DADDY’S HOME!!! I missed you Daddy.” From I love you cards written in little handwritting all over the house, to standing behind the door trying to scare dad. From spending hours to perform in a dance recital with your son, to taking mall trips to give mom a break. From messes in the kitchen, to keeping your temper and praising for all the hard work. From getting little ones to sleep at night, to late night potty runs. From the X-Files, to Buffy and Incredible Hulk. From standing guard over each birth, to doing all the work. From making sure we’re all healthy, to giving us popcorn just because. From keeping faith they are learning what God wants them to learn, to showing them how to be a Godly man who loves his family. You’ve been an incredible father and I’m a very lucky woman for God to have given me someone like you to raise His children with.   I Love You!!

Every time someone I know dies I can’t help but contemplate my own mortality.  My Grandmother passed away this morning.  I can’t say I really knew her all that well but I did grow up with her around.  We saw each other fairly often but I wouldn’t really call her friendly.  She was a loner and kept to herself.  She went peacefully which I’m thankful for.  I know she has siblings that welcomed her to heaven.  There will be no service.  My dad said they are cremating her body and will place it in a plot with her parents later this summer.  Part of me really wishes there was a service.  No one made much time for her while she was alive and it just seems like she deserves someone making time to honor her in her death.  Such is not the case it seems.  I regret not visiting her in March when we were near her.  She never met my youngest two children – it had been about 8 years since I’d seen her.  She got the obligatory pictures in the mail but that was about it.  I’m not even sure she could see enough to make out the people.  But, her eyes are working perfectly now.  She doesn’t have to use a walker or worry about people feeding her.  She can swallow again and run laps if she so desires.  I’ll be watching for her to visit and say hi sometime. 

It makes me think of my own funeral.  What will I want?  What will I not want?   I know I do not want people sitting around crying and talking about how sad they are I’m gone.  I want them to look through my scrapbooks (after all, my family is my life) and say that we had fun times.  I want them to bring bright flowers and release butterflies into the air.  I want songs to be sung – not uptight boring songs but happy worship filled contemporary worship songs.  I want them to sing the same songs I hum to every day of my life and listen to my husband sing.  I want everyone to know that now I’m up in heaven chatting with God and eating all the food I want and dancing without a care in the world – because I won’t be of the world anymore.    It’s a happy time to see God.  But, I still miss my Grandmother.

The kids are doing well. Kierian is mostly over his flu and back on the skateboard again – all is well in the world. He’s really been working on several new tricks (something about a double stuff oreo??) and they are coming along nicely. One of his friends broke his hand at church on Wednesday. I had akdoc take a look and we made the boy call his mom – he didn’t want to because he thought she wouldn’t let him stay for Youth Group. Praise for wanting to be at church but sometimes we do have to miss. She let him stay. Kierian also just did Discovery Weekend at church. He was with his small group from Friday dinner time to Sunday noon. They did several mission works, had several worship services, and just spent the whole time in worship with God. He enjoyed it more this time since he knew what to expect from last year. His small group had several of his friends (who don’t usually go to church so it was very cool to watch him minister to them) in it so they all had things in common. He hasn’t been doing much of his computer work lately with our crazy schedules but that will get going again soon. He’s wanting to do some of the skate camps at the skatepark this summer so he’s getting me that information. We’re anxiously waiting for the next series of guitar lessons at church. He is really picking up nicely on that. I’ve listened to him play several times and if I didn’t know it was him, I’d guess it was someone who’s played for many many years. He doesn’t have a large number of songs yet but he sure is enjoying the ones he does play. Kianna is busy as always. Her tumbling (and Aiden’s) recital is next Friday so we had picture day today. Chaos would be the word. It took her class 3 hours to do individual pictures, a class picture, and go through their routine a few times. The head lady just wanted to do something different with their costume so they had to sit while she figured out what she wanted done – while handling a million other things, mind you. I finally went back and told them I needed my kid – we had other things to do today. She’s very excited because she is front row center in their formations. For one of them, the rest of the class is doing backbends with partners and she’s up front doing back walkovers by herself. Can you say over achiever?? She also loves that at one point the whole class is in a line holding hands (boy, girl, boy, girl, etc) and they take 2 steps forward and the girls do a front flip. I hear all about that one after every class – who made it over, who didn’t land on their feet, etc. We are having someone else do her hair for tumbling recital. My shoulder can’t take doing french braids just yet. Dance is coming along well. She knows all her dances for production in 3 weeks. We had our first company meeting tonight so those classes will get scheduled for summer soon. Her summer classes are: company, pointe, ballet/tap/jazz combo. She’s doing really well and loves every minute. She’s also going to a week long summer camp. She’ll be learning about handling horses. She’s well into chapter books now and making her own. She keeps getting slowed down when it’s time to leave the house because she’s writing another book. We’re learning how to use a dictionary tomorrow so she can learn spelling. She does fine but she’s asked to do better so we will. She and Aiden have their choir recital this Saturday and Sunday. Aiden’s laid back as always but Kianna’s a bit nervous. She has a solo and it’s a true solo this year. Last year was a duet but this one is just her. She’s a bit worried she’ll forget the words so we’ve been practicing a lot. I know she’ll do beautifully. Aiden is getting ready for tumbling and dance recital also. He’s a hershey’s bar – brown loose body suit with Hershey’s in silver sequins on the front. He’s really progressing in his tumbling. I don’t hear much other than “yeah, I did well in class today” so I can’t say exactly what he’s doing but he’s having fun and walking around the house in a backbend so I’m good. He has been working hard on his splits and is mostly there with his center ones. Maybe during next dance season he’ll have it. His dance class is going to steal the shows at production. The dad’s are dancing with the boys. They’re dancing to Boyz II Men. I really like seeing Paul out there dancing with Aiden. I know Paul really misses dancing and it’s great to see him and Aiden doing many of the same things. They really are 2 peas in a pod. They’re both unnaturally skinny but strong as an ox – so not fair. Aiden saved $10 of his birthday money this year and is buying items to send to Malawi with our missionaries this summer. You can pick from several items they need and he chose to send seeds. He’s VERY anxious to put the envelope with the money into the offering plate this weekend. Kianna and Aiden will do VBS at church this year. I’m taking time off but they’ll have a blast as always. Lycan is keeping up with everyone else. He has decided he does like his dance class so goes without fuss now. (never mind that snack bag of animal crackers I have to bring each week.) I made his vest for production and he looks so nice with the girls in his class. Boy, does he love to wear those ballet shoes! He got very excited when I asked him if he wanted to dance again next year and do tumbling as well. He wouldn’t be in a tumbling recital class but he can do a non recital class which he’ll love. He’s in a mom phase right now with all the running I’m doing. He just wants me to sit still and hang with him for awhile. How nice that would be! My shoulder is coming along. I’m doing rehab three days a week with an OT that comes to the house. Paul got fed up with me not ever doing my exercises so he got someone to work with me. I just have too many projects and things to get done and exercises didn’t fit my schedule. So, now I have to because she comes to the house. I am gaining motion in the shoulder which is progress. I can reach the steering wheel with both hands now. I can ever start the van with my right hand if I lean forward to do it. We all have no doubt it will get back to normal. It will just take a while. I’ve been working in the church nursery a lot this past month. It was nice because that paycheck took care of the enrollment for tumbling for 3 for the fall. That’s what I use that money for – to pay for tumbling. Work at church (when I’m already there anyway) and pay for tumbling. Work at the studio (when I’m already there anyway) to pay for dance. It’s a win win.

I know you’ve all been waiting with baited breath.  Here it is – my life.

We did another xray on the arm today.  It’s been 12 weeks and is healed.  SWEET!!!!!  There is one small spot that’s not totally done but the new bone should be fine to protect that small part.  So, now we’re on to rehab for the shoulder.  Akdoc has been dying to get his hands on this shoulder.  He did some work after the xray today.  I think I cussed in several languages.  He decided he’ll need to bring me in at night so the other patients don’t hear me yelling at him.  heheh  Yes, I’m his worst patient – too head strong.  Anywho, it’s very sore tonight but not horribly bad.  We have 12 weeks of scar tissue to break apart.  That’s not going to be much fun for me.  He so hates to see me hurting that he wanted to send me out to have this done.  I told him no, that I trust him to do the best job on me.  (Truth is: I don’t really trust many other doctors out there.)  So, on we go.  Still not a lot of range of motion and little strength but that will come in time.

Children  **BIG SIGH**  Can anyoen say cabin fever????  They all want to be out of the house so badly.  We need our park day visit with friends so badly again.  They need to run in the air and wiggle their bodies so they stop bugging each other so much!!  Winter is by far my hardest time of the year simply because my wiggle worms can’t go wiggle as much.  Not to mention the whole arm thing this year (although, I did only have to shovel once and the neighbor guy yelled at me for doing it one handed.)  really but this winter in a weird place.

We’ve been doing so much traveling already and it’s only February.  Work has called every weekend in February and March and April are mostly booked (May too but with kid stuff mostly).  Things just never seem to stop.  I’m longing for the summer days when we don’t have anything we HAVE to do (well, other than camps or dance class) and can go to the pool or library or park at a moments notice.  I want to put peanut in the stroller and go running again.  I just want to be outside and home.  I want to tackle some of the projects around the house I just have put off because…..well, no reason.  I just didn’t feel like doing them.  I am trying to schedule myself for 2 scrapbook times each month.  Sometimes they’ll fall in the same weekend but whatever.  I love my drawing time but that just goes so fast.  I get that picture on the paper and it’s done but my brain isn’t.  I’ll go through several sheets and still not feel done.  The scrapbooking takes a bit longer and engages my brain more.  I also feel more accomplished by having the family books done.  I’m going to start a book that’s all about me and I’m really looking forward to that project.  At first I felt like I wouldn’t be able to fill it but OMG, yeah, no worries. 

Work has been just insane lately.  There are some issues with staff that need to be handled and quick.  Some people are just bugging others.  I think that overall everyone’s more irritable right now.  We’re all working on projects of our own and trying to do the best we can.  Taking the holidays off really threw my financial stuff off kilter.  I don’t have my normal buffer that I like to keep.  It’s all fine and will work itself out but it bothers me right now.  Oh, well.  We’ll get all the kinks out soon and things will sky rocket, I have no doubt!!