It’s become an annual tradition. We break out the hot rod and head to the Iowa State Fair Grounds in Des Moines for a day of old cars, tired kids, coloring pages, and pictures. It’s really cool to walk around and check out history. Who owned this car years ago? What was life like for them? Did they drive this every day like we do now or was it taken out only for special occasions? How much did they pay for such a thing? The questions fly through my mind. Paul is like a little kid again. He drives with his arm hanging out the window and smiles and waves as strangers take pictures of his pride and joy. I’m glad he decided to take the car this year. He walks a bit taller when he has the Satellite out in the open air. He’s so cautious it makes me laugh. I spend the day watching all my boys drool over muscle cars and delight at hearing them correctly identify which type of car they’re checking out. What a manly thing for them! Kianna and I? We hit the craft area and check out the jewelry. We like the cars too but not as much as the boys do.  Cars and Men – they just go together. The evening is always a bit tricky. See, there’s fireworks. Now, most of us love fireworks. Lycan – not so much. He loves to watch them and see the designs and colors. But when they make a noise, he’s DONE! I’m not talking ok lets think about leaving now. I mean “I WANT TO BE HOME NOW! NO I WON’T WAIT A FEW MORE MINUTES! I AM LEAVING NOW!!” He can’t stand the noise. So, in the car we sat. He on my lap with both hands tightly covering his little ears all while marveling over the designs. “That’s a fountain! That’s a tall fountain! There’s a flower! Mommy! Did you see all the moons? That one’s red, white, pink, green, purple, and sparkly just like the moons!” All without taking a breath.  I sure do love that kid.

How many head bangs against the wall does it take to lose a pound?!?!  Seriously!!!  Cleanse – check.  Exercise – check.  Watch the food intake – check.  Get frustrated – check.  Watch the scale go in the opposite direction you want – CHECK.  I can’t even tell you how frustrated I am with the whole weight issue right now.  I do a cleanse and lose 7.5 pounds.  AWESOME!!!  I start walking on the treadmill and even running some.  What happens?  I gain 4 pounds back.  Um, I thought the exercise was supposed to take OFF the pounds and not put them on.  Am I confused on this???  I did pay attention to the health science classes in college.  I just don’t get it.  I understand that I still can’t do much exercising with the shoulder still frozen.  But, I’ve increased my jogging from zero until a few weeks ago to jogging a half mile.  I’ve increase my walking from 1 mile to 4 miles.  I just don’t get it.  My pants size went from a 2/4 to a 6/8.  It makes no sense.  I don’t doubt that God put the body together in perfect working order I just really wish he gave each of us a manual on how to handle these things according to our body.  I’m so ready to give up on this whole watch your weight thing.  My knee still hurts so I clearly still need to get some of this off.  If someone could tell me what it is I need to do to handle this, I would be eternally grateful.  I just don’t get it.  I know I’m not horribly overweight or anything but I need to take off 20-25 pounds and it just won’t budge.  I’m at the point where anything I put in my mouth I feel crazy guilty about because I think “well, this is just going to add to the problem.”  If I didn’t like food so much I’d easily have an eating disorder by now.  I’m not wanting sweets of any kind or pop.  The cleanse did curb those cravings.  I don’t eat when I’m not hungry.  My main problems are my lack of eating small meals and making sure those meals are good nutritious foods.  We eat out a lot and I have my hubby’s support on eating at home more but I just don’t like to clean a kitchen.  I’d rather spend the money and go out than have to clean a kitchen.  I know that’s backwards but that’s how I am.  I recognize that and I do fight it as often as I can.  GGGRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!  I just want to feel at peace with my body and not have the health problems.  I want to be able to run that 5K I’m telling myself I”m training for without fear that I won’t make it.  I want to look in the mirror and like what I see.  I don’t want to see only the flabby spots.  I want my clothes to fit even if they are a larger size than a 2 (although I REALLY like 2).  I want people to stop telling me I’m suppose to be little because I don’t feel very little and instead I feel like I’m disappointing each one of them by not being the smaller size I should be.  UGH!!!!!  I hate weight.

A man is never as sexy as when he’s without a shirt and holding a newborn in his arms. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm From growing up together, to raising children together. From providing for us, to praying for us. From playing ghost in the graveyard at midnight, to resting in the hammock. From taking hours to get into the water to be splashed, to riding the rollar coaster. From little kisses on the cheek, to returning home from work to hear “DADDY’S HOME!!! I missed you Daddy.” From I love you cards written in little handwritting all over the house, to standing behind the door trying to scare dad. From spending hours to perform in a dance recital with your son, to taking mall trips to give mom a break. From messes in the kitchen, to keeping your temper and praising for all the hard work. From getting little ones to sleep at night, to late night potty runs. From the X-Files, to Buffy and Incredible Hulk. From standing guard over each birth, to doing all the work. From making sure we’re all healthy, to giving us popcorn just because. From keeping faith they are learning what God wants them to learn, to showing them how to be a Godly man who loves his family. You’ve been an incredible father and I’m a very lucky woman for God to have given me someone like you to raise His children with.   I Love You!!

Every time someone I know dies I can’t help but contemplate my own mortality.  My Grandmother passed away this morning.  I can’t say I really knew her all that well but I did grow up with her around.  We saw each other fairly often but I wouldn’t really call her friendly.  She was a loner and kept to herself.  She went peacefully which I’m thankful for.  I know she has siblings that welcomed her to heaven.  There will be no service.  My dad said they are cremating her body and will place it in a plot with her parents later this summer.  Part of me really wishes there was a service.  No one made much time for her while she was alive and it just seems like she deserves someone making time to honor her in her death.  Such is not the case it seems.  I regret not visiting her in March when we were near her.  She never met my youngest two children – it had been about 8 years since I’d seen her.  She got the obligatory pictures in the mail but that was about it.  I’m not even sure she could see enough to make out the people.  But, her eyes are working perfectly now.  She doesn’t have to use a walker or worry about people feeding her.  She can swallow again and run laps if she so desires.  I’ll be watching for her to visit and say hi sometime. 

It makes me think of my own funeral.  What will I want?  What will I not want?   I know I do not want people sitting around crying and talking about how sad they are I’m gone.  I want them to look through my scrapbooks (after all, my family is my life) and say that we had fun times.  I want them to bring bright flowers and release butterflies into the air.  I want songs to be sung – not uptight boring songs but happy worship filled contemporary worship songs.  I want them to sing the same songs I hum to every day of my life and listen to my husband sing.  I want everyone to know that now I’m up in heaven chatting with God and eating all the food I want and dancing without a care in the world – because I won’t be of the world anymore.    It’s a happy time to see God.  But, I still miss my Grandmother.

The kids are doing well. Kierian is mostly over his flu and back on the skateboard again – all is well in the world. He’s really been working on several new tricks (something about a double stuff oreo??) and they are coming along nicely. One of his friends broke his hand at church on Wednesday. I had akdoc take a look and we made the boy call his mom – he didn’t want to because he thought she wouldn’t let him stay for Youth Group. Praise for wanting to be at church but sometimes we do have to miss. She let him stay. Kierian also just did Discovery Weekend at church. He was with his small group from Friday dinner time to Sunday noon. They did several mission works, had several worship services, and just spent the whole time in worship with God. He enjoyed it more this time since he knew what to expect from last year. His small group had several of his friends (who don’t usually go to church so it was very cool to watch him minister to them) in it so they all had things in common. He hasn’t been doing much of his computer work lately with our crazy schedules but that will get going again soon. He’s wanting to do some of the skate camps at the skatepark this summer so he’s getting me that information. We’re anxiously waiting for the next series of guitar lessons at church. He is really picking up nicely on that. I’ve listened to him play several times and if I didn’t know it was him, I’d guess it was someone who’s played for many many years. He doesn’t have a large number of songs yet but he sure is enjoying the ones he does play. Kianna is busy as always. Her tumbling (and Aiden’s) recital is next Friday so we had picture day today. Chaos would be the word. It took her class 3 hours to do individual pictures, a class picture, and go through their routine a few times. The head lady just wanted to do something different with their costume so they had to sit while she figured out what she wanted done – while handling a million other things, mind you. I finally went back and told them I needed my kid – we had other things to do today. She’s very excited because she is front row center in their formations. For one of them, the rest of the class is doing backbends with partners and she’s up front doing back walkovers by herself. Can you say over achiever?? She also loves that at one point the whole class is in a line holding hands (boy, girl, boy, girl, etc) and they take 2 steps forward and the girls do a front flip. I hear all about that one after every class – who made it over, who didn’t land on their feet, etc. We are having someone else do her hair for tumbling recital. My shoulder can’t take doing french braids just yet. Dance is coming along well. She knows all her dances for production in 3 weeks. We had our first company meeting tonight so those classes will get scheduled for summer soon. Her summer classes are: company, pointe, ballet/tap/jazz combo. She’s doing really well and loves every minute. She’s also going to a week long summer camp. She’ll be learning about handling horses. She’s well into chapter books now and making her own. She keeps getting slowed down when it’s time to leave the house because she’s writing another book. We’re learning how to use a dictionary tomorrow so she can learn spelling. She does fine but she’s asked to do better so we will. She and Aiden have their choir recital this Saturday and Sunday. Aiden’s laid back as always but Kianna’s a bit nervous. She has a solo and it’s a true solo this year. Last year was a duet but this one is just her. She’s a bit worried she’ll forget the words so we’ve been practicing a lot. I know she’ll do beautifully. Aiden is getting ready for tumbling and dance recital also. He’s a hershey’s bar – brown loose body suit with Hershey’s in silver sequins on the front. He’s really progressing in his tumbling. I don’t hear much other than “yeah, I did well in class today” so I can’t say exactly what he’s doing but he’s having fun and walking around the house in a backbend so I’m good. He has been working hard on his splits and is mostly there with his center ones. Maybe during next dance season he’ll have it. His dance class is going to steal the shows at production. The dad’s are dancing with the boys. They’re dancing to Boyz II Men. I really like seeing Paul out there dancing with Aiden. I know Paul really misses dancing and it’s great to see him and Aiden doing many of the same things. They really are 2 peas in a pod. They’re both unnaturally skinny but strong as an ox – so not fair. Aiden saved $10 of his birthday money this year and is buying items to send to Malawi with our missionaries this summer. You can pick from several items they need and he chose to send seeds. He’s VERY anxious to put the envelope with the money into the offering plate this weekend. Kianna and Aiden will do VBS at church this year. I’m taking time off but they’ll have a blast as always. Lycan is keeping up with everyone else. He has decided he does like his dance class so goes without fuss now. (never mind that snack bag of animal crackers I have to bring each week.) I made his vest for production and he looks so nice with the girls in his class. Boy, does he love to wear those ballet shoes! He got very excited when I asked him if he wanted to dance again next year and do tumbling as well. He wouldn’t be in a tumbling recital class but he can do a non recital class which he’ll love. He’s in a mom phase right now with all the running I’m doing. He just wants me to sit still and hang with him for awhile. How nice that would be! My shoulder is coming along. I’m doing rehab three days a week with an OT that comes to the house. Paul got fed up with me not ever doing my exercises so he got someone to work with me. I just have too many projects and things to get done and exercises didn’t fit my schedule. So, now I have to because she comes to the house. I am gaining motion in the shoulder which is progress. I can reach the steering wheel with both hands now. I can ever start the van with my right hand if I lean forward to do it. We all have no doubt it will get back to normal. It will just take a while. I’ve been working in the church nursery a lot this past month. It was nice because that paycheck took care of the enrollment for tumbling for 3 for the fall. That’s what I use that money for – to pay for tumbling. Work at church (when I’m already there anyway) and pay for tumbling. Work at the studio (when I’m already there anyway) to pay for dance. It’s a win win.

I know you’ve all been waiting with baited breath.  Here it is – my life.

We did another xray on the arm today.  It’s been 12 weeks and is healed.  SWEET!!!!!  There is one small spot that’s not totally done but the new bone should be fine to protect that small part.  So, now we’re on to rehab for the shoulder.  Akdoc has been dying to get his hands on this shoulder.  He did some work after the xray today.  I think I cussed in several languages.  He decided he’ll need to bring me in at night so the other patients don’t hear me yelling at him.  heheh  Yes, I’m his worst patient – too head strong.  Anywho, it’s very sore tonight but not horribly bad.  We have 12 weeks of scar tissue to break apart.  That’s not going to be much fun for me.  He so hates to see me hurting that he wanted to send me out to have this done.  I told him no, that I trust him to do the best job on me.  (Truth is: I don’t really trust many other doctors out there.)  So, on we go.  Still not a lot of range of motion and little strength but that will come in time.

Children  **BIG SIGH**  Can anyoen say cabin fever????  They all want to be out of the house so badly.  We need our park day visit with friends so badly again.  They need to run in the air and wiggle their bodies so they stop bugging each other so much!!  Winter is by far my hardest time of the year simply because my wiggle worms can’t go wiggle as much.  Not to mention the whole arm thing this year (although, I did only have to shovel once and the neighbor guy yelled at me for doing it one handed.)  really but this winter in a weird place.

We’ve been doing so much traveling already and it’s only February.  Work has called every weekend in February and March and April are mostly booked (May too but with kid stuff mostly).  Things just never seem to stop.  I’m longing for the summer days when we don’t have anything we HAVE to do (well, other than camps or dance class) and can go to the pool or library or park at a moments notice.  I want to put peanut in the stroller and go running again.  I just want to be outside and home.  I want to tackle some of the projects around the house I just have put off because…..well, no reason.  I just didn’t feel like doing them.  I am trying to schedule myself for 2 scrapbook times each month.  Sometimes they’ll fall in the same weekend but whatever.  I love my drawing time but that just goes so fast.  I get that picture on the paper and it’s done but my brain isn’t.  I’ll go through several sheets and still not feel done.  The scrapbooking takes a bit longer and engages my brain more.  I also feel more accomplished by having the family books done.  I’m going to start a book that’s all about me and I’m really looking forward to that project.  At first I felt like I wouldn’t be able to fill it but OMG, yeah, no worries. 

Work has been just insane lately.  There are some issues with staff that need to be handled and quick.  Some people are just bugging others.  I think that overall everyone’s more irritable right now.  We’re all working on projects of our own and trying to do the best we can.  Taking the holidays off really threw my financial stuff off kilter.  I don’t have my normal buffer that I like to keep.  It’s all fine and will work itself out but it bothers me right now.  Oh, well.  We’ll get all the kinks out soon and things will sky rocket, I have no doubt!!

Day three:  Genesis 2:15-17 and 3:1-13 tells of Satan’s offer to Eve.  It was a good offer to her, I believe, because she saw wisdom as a good thing.  She probably wanted to know what God knew so she could be closer to him.  This was a good thing in her eyes.  I doubt she sat and thought about  just what wisdom she would gain but saw a chance to learn from God.  This is very appealing – exactly what Satan was going for.  My primary sources of input in my life are: spouse, music, co-workers, books, tv, friends, family.  I believe I am careful in some areas about evaluating the input and seeking to discern Truth from error and not so careful in other areas.  I do tend to run most information through God in prayer but I don’t run my actions and habits through prayer.  I have friends I love dearly that I will swirl downward into gossip without a moment’s hesitation.  I don’t even realize what’s happening until the conversation is finished.  I guard my ears by only listening to Christian music.  But, error can creep in from many sources and I don’t always recognize it.  A time when I made a wrong choice without stopping to consider the cost and the consequences: there have been so many.  LOL  A major one happened when we first moved to Iowa.  I was a sahm with a 6 mth old son and my husband worked all day managing a restaurant.  He provided for us and we had everything we needed.  However, I was bored.  I had no friends and I was in a new city.  My son was getting older and more interested in playing with toys.  So, what would a new mom do?  Why, get him toys of course.  Lots and lots and lots of them.  Toys he played with once or twice.  Decorate the room he didn’t use.  Take him shopping just to get out of the house and buy just because it seemed like I could possibly use this in the future.  I went nuts.  The next thing I knew, we were $20,000 in debt with no way of getting out.  We wanted to buy a house.  Not a chance.  It felt too good to come home with bags filled with stuff.  If something broke slightly, replace it.  If something didn’t fit exactly right, get a new one.  If it just was really pretty, I deserve this.  I love getting gifts and this was my way of passing the time and making the move easier for me.  I’d often hide things from my husband only to tell him about them weeks later.  “Oh, I’ve had this for awhile.”  I knew I shouldn’t spend like that but no one told me to stop it.  Satan told me over and over how good I would feel if I just bought that one thing.  My son would play for hours on end and I could get projects completed if I just got this bouncy thing.  My son’s IQ would rise if I would just get him his own computer.  Oh, and it hooks up to the tv so of course you need a bigger one of those.  It never ended and I listened to every word.  I believed that my son was too small to realize what was happening.  I believed that my husband wouldn’t be affected if I just didn’t tell him.  I paid the bills so what was the big deal.  What I needed to do was confess to my husband what I was doing and why.  He needed to hear that I was struggling and needed his help.  I didn’t want to bother him but I had no one else to turn to so continued that path.  I needed to remember that God will provide what I need and I needed to learn contentment.  Even now, I hear Satan and others telling me I need a new house.  “The one you have is good for now but you’ll need one as the children grow.  The rooms will need to get bigger and there will be the vehicles to think about.  You should do this now rather than wait.”  I have to constantly remind myself that when/if it’s time to get a new house, God will provide a way to sell this one.  I need to wait for His timing not mine.  Currently, I hear deceit in the area of homeschooling.  I have people telling me that my children “need more math” or “can’t read.”  I know this is so beyond not true it’s laughable.  But, it hurts me.  These statements tell me that I’m not doing it “right” and that i’m not capable of knowing if there’s a problem with my child.  They demean my self confidence and make me doubt the path God has laid for my family.  These come from Satan and not from God.  I know God wants us to homeschool our children.  We have been in constant prayer about this path since our children were born and there is no doubt this is where they belong.  I know these kids.  They are smart, creative, capable, independent, loving, cooperative (most of the time), thoughtful, imaginative children that usually act more like short adults than other kids their age.  These people don’t know my kids.  They see them MAYBE once a year.  How in the world do they know they need more math?  They take apart computers and reprogram them with several operating systems.  How in the world do they know they need reading help?  They are currently reading several chapter books at once and love to tell the rest of the family what’s happening in the story.  They write their own stories and illustrate them all day if we didn’t have other things to accomplish.  They are great people.  These are children of God and they deserve the respect of others – adult or child.  I need to remember that and know in my heart that these people mean well and truly want the best for my kids.  Their best and my kids’ best are obviously not the same thing.  I will stick with God’s best for them – no matter the comments that hurt.

Day two:  John 8:44 tells me Satan is a liar.  He lies to deceive and we naturally do the same.  Evil comes naturally to him because his father is the devil.  Satan doesn’t want to know the truth and he doesn’t want others to know either.  He has been evil since day one and he will remain that way.  2Corinthians 4:4 tells me Satan has blinded those who don’t believe in God.  He has taken them from the truth and feeds them lies so they will not see the light that God shines for us.  Satan’s followers can’t understand Christians because he stands in their way.  2Corinthians 11:14 tells me that no form can escape Satan.  He can take the form of the most beautiful creature in the world to do his task of deceit.  There’s nothing that can defy him except God.  Ephesians 6:11-12 tells me that we need the full armor of God to defeat Satan.  He is evil and is not made of flesh and bone.  We are dealing with powers of darkness that will do whatever they need to get to their prey.  It requires all of God’s armor to defend ourselves against him.  1Peter 5:8 tells me to watch out.  Satan is always on the lookout for food and he wants to take us.  Hedoesn’t ever stop coming to attack.  Satan’s lies appear good and attractive because he needs to lure us in.  We wouldn’t follow if someone told us to come eat dirt and worms but wouldn’t hesitate if that same person said we were eating lucious pudding and decedent truffles.  The bait has to be sweet and something we want or we will turn away in disgust.  He’s not stupid.  He knows exactly what he’s doing to lure us in.  Our culture is riddled with lies and deceit from Satan.  Where o where do I begin.  Politicians.  They tell us half truths to get into office – just enough to make us believe they will work for our cause.  Once they get elected, they make their own laws and pass their own agendas – regardless of what was said before.  There’s always an excuse to make it not their fault.  Pharmaceuticals.  I know your life is bleak and gray and doesn’t seem worth living.  If you’d just take this drug it will all go away.  The blue skies will come back.  Your children will love you and not fight.  You will be able to go outside and climb mountains and go in a hot air balloon because you aren’t sick anymore.  It wasn’t your fault – you needed this drug.  The body was created with pain for a purpose.  It’s a signal to tell you something’s wrong.  When you take that drug and dull the pain, you are taking away your body’s right to tell you something’s wrong.  You’re ignoring that warning sign in your car that says to check engine.  Cover it with your finger and it will be ok – until you’re on a road trip in the middle of nowhere and you hear a sputter and the engine no longer works.  Drugs are a very slippery slope.  Public programs.  I believe they mean well.  They mean to help people back on their feet.  When they’re used for that purpose, I don’t have a problem with them.  However, I do have a problem with families that have been living on the public programs for 2-3 generations and believe the government owes them because they just aren’t able to get off the couch and get a job.  I believe these programs are lying to these people and helping them stay right where they are.  They don’t force them to learn a skill or really work to find a job.  They give them money and food stamps every month and say, well, as long as you’re still at this level then we’ll keep giving it to you.  Why would they go find a job?  They’d lose out on all that free money.  The devil takes many shapes in our culture.  These are just a few and I could go all night but I have more questions to answer.  I believe truth and deception are realized with time and prayer.  When something seems like life will be wonderful if you’d only have XXX, that’s a sign you need to step away, talk to your spouse, and pray.  Life isn’t easy with anything.  Only praying and talking with people you trust can you hear God’s word speaking to you.  Good things keep me away from consistent study all the time.  My daily tasks: managing the house, managing the office, managing the children, running errands, exercise, cooking, cleaning, and everything else keeps my mind occupied.  In any spare moments, I find myself wondering what the staff is doing and if they’re doing all they can to reach goals – do they want to reach goals – what will the numbers today be – what were they yesterday – what should I cover at staff meeting – etc.  I worry about the kids – will they ever really like each other – how will they learn cleanliness with rooms looking like that – I need to make them do what I want them to do – etc.  I do chores at home – cooking – laundry – cleaning – fixing – sewing  – computer work – etc.  My mind doesn’t rest and when it doesn’t rest I can’t focus on God.  I can’t focus on His voice for me.  These are all worthwhile things to take care of so the house and everyone functions well.  But, it takes away from my time with God.  I will raise my awareness of the enemy and embrace the truth by making time to be in study.  I will check my day and prepare for those times when I can sit and read the Bible.  I can engaged my children in Bible games or stories.  I can recognize that people come before tasks.  The dishes will still be there but my children need to learn forgiveness right now.  It takes willpower but I can do it with His help.

These are my answers for questions in this study.  They’re personal so feel free to read or not as you wish.

I am not living the abundent life Jesus came to give.  I survive day to day and try to make sure everything gets done.  I rarely take time to do my own thing (I don’t count exercise as my thing because it’s not a creative outlet) and fill my time doing things others want me to do.  The majority of the time I simply exist.  I start my day with “what needs to be done today” and end it with “that should have been done and wasn’t, this could have been done better, that was pointless to do” and it just goes on.  I rarely see the joy in what I do everyday.  Instead, I feel resentful of doing the same thing each week and don’t know how to break out of the rut.  This is not what Jesus created my path to be.  My current season of life words: frazzled, burned-out, overwhelmed, defeated, depressed, angry, discouraged, insecure, lonely, exhausted, emotionally unstable, unmotivated, directionless.  Words that I want to describe my life: peaceful, free, gracious, stable, confident, radiant, loving, sexual, healthy, balanced.  John 8:31-36.  Free doesn’t mean doing whatever you want.  Everyone needs boundaries or temptation abounds.  Free means few worries.  You don’t have to worry about being alone – God is with you.  You don’t have to worry about the future – God will provide.  You don’t have to feel unloved – God loves unconditionally.  This is what Jesus means with wanting his people to be free.  Galations 5:1 and John 14:6.  Jesus set us free with his death on the cross.  He made our sins forgiven with God.  Placing your faith and trust in God by reading his words and following his commands to you sets you free.  Going to Him with your worries and asking for help sets you free.  I don’t think there’s any area I’ve given up hope of being free of bondage in my life.  I’ve always held that things will be better in the future.  The trouble is that the future never becomes the present.  So, I never loose hope but I also never really become free from bondage.  My schedule is my greatest bondage.  My months are planned several months in advance and there are so many things pulling for my time.  It’s not unusual to have 3-4 things in the same weekend and do it all.  I don’t slow down because I fear that if I gave things up I would be disappointing others or things wouldn’t get done.  I feel I have to be in control of everything all the time or things just won’t work.  I hate it.  I hate being in charge and having everything rest on my shoulders.  My husband does a tremendous job at work and I appreciate him beyond words.  But, the majority of work and home rest on my shoulders.   He’ll help when I ask him to but I feel it’s a bother so I don’t ask.  I just do it and feel resentful.  I want this study to help me focus more on the joy in life.  I want to be able to see my daily tasks around the house and running children everywhere as a service to God’s children and not the tasks of a maid.  I want to feel ok with setting some activity aside because I need time alone.  (I got that this weekend and it was WONDERFUL!!)  I want to remember that I matter too and I deserve that play time like I give the children.  I deserve time to have creative outlets that give me a sense of accomplishment.  I want to end the day proud of what I did that day and know that I made a difference in my life because I saw the beauty of my path.  I want to live the life God planned for me to live.

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!

Update:  I broke my collarbone and separated my shoulder just afterThanksgiving.  I’m left handed now so typing goes very slow.  Hence the no entries.  SO SORRY!!  Things are healing nicely just slow.  I will get back to posting soon and boy do I have  a lot to write about!!!